How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship

Am I wrong for being upset that my boyfriend gave his parents a key to our home without talking to me about it first?

Dear Julia,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years.  We moved in together a year ago and so far, we have a very solid relationship.  I can truly say that he’s my best friend, and I’m certain he would agree that I am his too. 

My boyfriend is also very close with his family, and this is something that I love about him.  We often have Sunday night dinners with his family, his mom and I enjoy days out together, and my boyfriend and I have been on several family vacations where we are all together.  Overall, I feel very accepted and loved by all of them. 

The problem that has recently come to light is that my boyfriend gave his parents a key to our house shortly after we moved in, without discussing it with me first.  I found out when I came home from work to find his mother fixing a bouquet of flowers on our kitchen table (which she bought for us).  I was startled at her presence and shocked that I had not been informed.  Since then, she has let herself in fairly frequently, usually on the weekends or she will pop over to say “hi” in the evenings but that often turns into her staying for dinner.  

I’m torn because there is a part of me that appreciates her companionship, company, and love.  However, now that I know she could show up at any time, I’m constantly feeling on edge in my own home.  I haven’t said anything yet to my boyfriend as I don’t want to upset him.  However, I’m also resenting that I can’t look forward to relaxing after work or on the weekends.  What should I do?

Dear Torn,

I am so happy to hear that you have a simple, healthy relationship.  Being best friends with our partner is a dynamic that most people dream of.  Having a great relationship with your in-laws makes things even better. 

Despite this, I can completely understand your reasons for feeling on edge in your own home.  Despite the loving relationship you have with your boyfriend’s mother, what she is doing is invasive.  While I doubt that it’s coming from a harmful place, it could still feel that way. 

You mentioned feeling both appreciative and resentful in this situation, which leaves you feeling torn. I very much appreciate your ability to notice your emotions.  Our emotions are intended to help us understand our experience and are a very normal and healthy part of our humanity.  Once we can correctly identify our emotions, it helps us understand what we need, which then helps us decide what to do in the situation at hand.   

In your situation, your relational needs (appreciating her company) conflict with your needs for privacy and respect (leaving you feeling resentful).  Let’s be clear – privacy and respect are essential parts of a healthy relationship, with anyone.  Thus, you are not wrong for being upset that your boyfriend gave his parents a key to your home without discussing it with you first. 

In this case, what is needed is a calm, clear discussion about boundaries with your boyfriend.  Before we go there, I want to talk about a psychological concept called Mentalization.

Mentalization is the ability to have insight into how We and Others think and feel.  As you can imagine, this is essential in our relationships.  Since humans are social creatures and because we thrive off our social connections, we need to care about the feelings of the people around us, especially when they are our nearest and dearest. 

Thus, as you decide what to say to your boyfriend about this, it is important to take his and his mother’s feelings into account, so that you can refrain from doing damage to the relationship.  You also want your boyfriend to feel comfortable coming to you to discuss things in the future, which he is more likely to do if he knows that his feelings matter to you.

I also want you to mentalize a bit more about your experience to decide what exactly you need and what you’re asking for.  You already identified why you feel resentful, appreciative, let down, and torn.  This is a great start, and from here I would like you to reflect further on what these emotions are telling you so that you know what you need to ask for. 

To me, it seems quite clear that a boundary is needed, not only due to the situation you have described but because you identified feeling resentful. 

Feeling resentful, angry, or disrespected, are emotions that tell us that a boundary is required.  These emotions are protective as their presence tells us that something is going wrong and needs to change.

A boundary is a limit that you decide is needed for you to be psychologically, physically, sexually, or spiritually healthy and safe.   

Some boundary examples in a relationship could be requesting that your sibling ask you before they borrow your things.  Otherwise, you would feel frustrated when you can’t find your items.

Another boundary example could be asking your friend to return the money they borrowed by a certain date, to maintain trust and reliability in your friendship. 

You could also ask your boyfriend who loves to drive fast to maintain the speed limit while you are in the car so that you feel safe while you’re together. 

In your case, I see two places for a boundary setting.  The first is the circumstances in which your boyfriend’s mother can come over, and the second is that your boyfriend made a decision that involved you without asking you about it first.

When we need to speak to someone about a boundary, we want to do it in a way that doesn’t put them on the defensive.  The goal is to share how we feel, before asking for what we need.  We want to consider their emotions as well (mentalization!), which is why we want to do it as compassionately as possible. 

To get you off to a good start, here is a boundary example script you could use:

Hey boyfriend, I have been thinking about you having given your mother a copy of our key, and I have noticed that while I know you have good intentions, it’s a situation that has been bothering me.  Would this be an okay time to talk about this?

While I love your mother, and I enjoy having her in our home, I’m not comfortable with her having a copy of our key and letting herself in whenever she wants.  When I don’t know if she may show up, it keeps me from being able to relax and enjoy myself in our home.  I absolutely want her to come over and feel welcome in our home when she’s invited over but need us to agree on when that is beforehand. 

You may want to give him a chance to respond, share his thoughts, and hopefully say yes to your boundary before you continue. 

Also, since we are living together, I need other decisions that are made regarding our shared space to be discussed before they are implemented.  I know how close you are with your parents, and while I very much enjoy their company too, your decision to give them a key without discussing this with me first hurt me.  I know you didn’t mean any harm, but that was the impact.  Could we agree that decisions regarding our home are made together going forwards?

You can see in this example that there is a balance between compassion, expressing your emotions, and stating what you need.  The intention in this example is to be kind, but firm.  Boundary setting can be difficult for many of us, so if this feels like it’s hard to do, that’s because it is, especially when you aren’t used to it. 

If boundary setting does make you uncomfortable, the only healthy thing you can do is to push through it.  Otherwise, the feelings of resentment, disrespect, and discomfort will only grow, which will eventually lead to discord in your relationships.  

Lastly, you mentioned your concern that saying something will upset your boyfriend. While setting this boundary may upset him, I want you to recognize that your feelings are just as important as his. 

It’s not healthy for you to shelve what you’re feeling to avoid upsetting him.  Take his feelings into consideration, and be kind in your discussion, but please, do not avoid attending to your own needs to appease your partner.

I wish you all the best with your reflections and in finding the best way to communicate your boundaries.  If you would like to leave a comment, or if a reader would like to ask a new question, head over to my contact page.  

Warmly,

Julia

P.S. Did you enjoy this blog?  Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life?  I post new answers to reader questions every Saturday at Noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.