Can I Date Someone I’m Not Attracted To?

I’m not sure if I can be romantically attracted to the woman I have been seeing for the past couple of months, but I do not want to lose the relationship.

Dear Julia,

I have been getting to know a new woman for the past couple of months.  We met through friends and once we spent a few evenings at the same events, we started to truly enjoy talking to one another.  We have a lot in common, and I get the sense that she’s a good person. 

After a little while, things started to feel more romantic.  She has made a point of touching my hand or arm a few times while we are together.  We have been out for dinner a few times and it feels like we are on a date.  We have discussed some deeper topics, and we are both quite at ease with one another.

I’m confused as I’m not sure that I feel a romantic attraction, but I am getting the impression that she’s quite smitten with me.  I care about her and do not want to hurt her feelings.  I’m not sure what to do.  She’s not my usual physical type and this has become more of a hang up then I though it could be. 

I don’t want to lose the relationship and I do truly think it’s possible I could be attracted to her in the future, but not yet.   I certainly wouldn’t want to loose her from my life.

What should I do?

Dear Reader,

You may be comforted to know that some relationships can be slow to start and take time to develop.  It’s also common for an emotional attraction to evolve into a romantic attraction after the right conditions have been met.  However, what those conditions are can vary from person to person.

Beyond this woman “not being your type” have you reflected on what else could be behind your inability to feel a physical attraction to her? 

One way for you to figure this out would be to pay better attention to the thoughts that come up when you are with her, and when you are thinking about her not being attracted.  Is it something specific about her, like the way she carries herself, speaks, or how she dresses?

Or perhaps it’s something more unconscious like you have a distaste of people with a certain hair color because of beliefs that your parents had growing up, which you unconsciously inherited. 

Another example could be that you have learned due to our classist society that you must be with people who make a certain amount of money or job status, for you to feel worthy or good enough.  Thus, if someone doesn’t make this amount of money, you find it difficult or impossible to find them attractive. 

Now it’s your turn, when you dig into the reasons why you don’t find her attractive, what comes up?

If it is something subconscious, it's very possible that you can work through it.  You may need to seek out the help of a skilled therapist, but it can absolutely be done.  You may also find the process of self-discovery interesting and enjoy the associated growth.

Alternatively, could there be something getting in the way of you being in a relationship in general? How do you feel about commitment, vulnerability, being cared for, and caring for another person?

These are only some of the elements that are present in a relationship.  However, if any of them or something else causes you anxiety, fear, or panic, we may be onto something.

If you have avoidance or fears around being in a relationship or commitment, could this be the reason for you “not finding her attractive”? 

Of course, we can’t rule out the possibility that you’re just not attracted to her.  There may not be some deep-seated psychological reason for it.  We aren’t going to be attracted to everyone. 

No matter the reasons, you also mentioned that you care about her, and don’t want to hurt her feelings.   If you believe her to be smitten, then you’re at risk of leading her on.  Perhaps some honesty and transparency could be appropriate here?

I suggest that you tell her that you’re uncertain about your romantic attraction.  Yes, she may be upset or even offended, but you will probably keep her from feeling even more pain, betrayal, or resentment if you continue to see her without an understanding of where the two of you are at.

As such, you may consider using this script as a jumping-off point:

I’m getting the impression that our friendly chats have started to transform into something romantic.  While I am enjoying our time together, and I care about you, I’m not sure if our relationship could turn romantic for me. 

While I’m not saying it’s impossible for me to get there, I also don’t want to waste your time or lead you on.   I really want us to continue getting to know each other, but without the pressure of this turning into something romantic.  How does that sound to you?

It could also be worth asking her directly but gently if your perception of her romantic interest towards you is correct.  It is possible you’re simply misreading her signals. 

Either way, the clarity will likely do both of you good, and it will give you a chance to deepen your relationship (either friendship or otherwise) by speaking about something that leaves you both in a vulnerable position. 

I hope your relationship goes in a mutually satisfying and supportive way. 

Warmly,

Julia

P.S. Did you enjoy this blog?  Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life?  I post new answers to reader questions every Saturday at noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE. 

Please note that reader questions may be edited for length or clarity.

Thanks for reading!