Why You Should Wait For The “At Home Date”
I’m uncomfortable going to a new guy’s house on date number two. Am I overreacting?
Dear Julia,
I have been dating a lot recently. I’m enjoying getting to know new people, even though sometimes the people I go out with are not for me.
The last guy I went out with I liked right away. We had a couple of fun, long dates where we talked a lot and I felt comfortable with him.
We discussed how much we both love summer barbeques, so he invited me over for a barbeque dinner. I said yes, and we had a great time. However, after a few drinks and a heavy make-out session, I found him pushing me for more physical intimacy than I was ready for. We didn’t end up seeing each other again after that.
Now I’m seeing another guy, and again, on date two, he’s asking me to come to his house for our date. I’m not comfortable with this after what happened with the last guy…but I’m wondering if I’m overreacting or not. Or if I’m not overreacting, what should I say to him? I am interested in seeing him again, but not at his house.
Thanks!
Dear Reader,
You’re right to be cautious of the at-home date. This is unfortunately not the first time that I have heard stories, either from a reader, a client or in my personal life, about the “at-home date” being a potential gateway to sex before both individuals and the relationship are ready.
I do want to say, that if people agree to the at-home date and are open to whatever type of physical intimacy this may or may not lead to, then we don’t have a problem.
If everyone is consenting and making informed decisions about what is best for them then the at home date at any point is just fine.
I also want to acknowledge that not everyone who suggests an at home date has ulterior motives. It could be possible that they truly do want to cook with you and get to know you better, without any plans or pressure for physical intimacy.
However, for yourself, you have learned that an early on at home date makes you uncomfortable and it’s something that at least for now, you want to avoid.
You wondered if you were overreacting. You’re not. You’re listening to your feelings. The best thing to do after we notice how we feel is to use that information to help us decide how to behave and what decisions we need to make.
In your case, you now know that you’re not comfortable being alone with a man who you don’t know very well, as you recognize that there is a risk that you will be pressured for a level of physical intimacy that you’re not ready for yet. Therefore, you would like to postpone the at home date, but you do want to see him again.
This is a very reasonable boundary in a new relationship.
As such, the answer is quite simple. You let him know that you would love to see him again, but that your preference is to see each other in a public setting while you continue to get to know one another.
You could use this boundary script if you’re unsure of how to communicate this to him:
Hey, an at home cooking date sounds fun. However, at this stage in our relationship, I would feel more comfortable if we could continue to get to know one another out in the world. There is an art exhibit/restaurant/nature walk that I have been wanting to check out. How about that?
Once you set the boundary, I want you to pay attention to how he responds.
Green flags could be his understanding of what you’re saying, an apology for offering this sooner than you were ready, and his willingness to continue getting to know you in public places.
Red Flags could be his defensiveness, disrespect, insistence on you coming over, or his minimization of your concerns/discomfort.
Now that you have a script and some guidelines for what to look for after setting your boundary, you’re probably wondering when is a good time to have the at home date?
Before I answer that, let’s consider a few points:
At home dates may lead to physical intimacy before you're ready for it
You don’t truly know someone that you have only been out with a couple of times. Most people are on their best behavior during the first couple of dates. You may be better off giving it more time to let more of their true self come out before you decide to be alone with them, for safety reasons.
Your brand-new relationship is likely not ready for physical intimacy. For more information, you can read this post where I discuss hot sex being the result of an emotional connection and secure attachment.
Therefore, my advice is to hold off on the home dates until you’re ready to be sexually intimate with your new partner. I know some of you may find this extreme, and that’s okay, it’s only a recommendation.
However, if you’re the type of person who struggles to set boundaries, or if you’re inclined to people please, this boundary could keep you from being pressured into sex or other forms of physical intimacy before you’re ready.
If you’re not sure how your partner feels about you, or if you’re unsure about where you stand in the relationship, this boundary may keep you from doing something you may not feel comfortable with too soon.
Keep in mind that you’re unlikely to regret waiting to be sexually intimate with someone. On the contrary, it’s common and fairly easy to go too far too soon and then feel regret afterward.
If you wait until you and the relationship are ready for sexual intimacy, the at home date will likely be a much more enjoyable experience.
I wish you the best with your new relationship and boundary!
Warmly,
Julia
P.S. Did you enjoy this blog? Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life? I post new answers to reader questions every Saturday at noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.
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