How to Find a Great Partner
How do I manage dating burnout without scaring off the types of guys I want to be with?
Dear Julia,
How do I stop attracting undesirable men? I’m so fed up with this that I have started putting up walls – I give cold stares and make myself invisible to not attract them anymore. However, I am mindful that I may scare off good guys with these behaviors. What do I do?
Dear Fed Up,
What a frustrating, but common situation to be in. You may be reassured to know that it’s quite normal for all of us to attract undesirable people.
Just because someone may seem undesirable to you, doesn’t mean that they don’t see a variety of attractive qualities in you.
Nonetheless, it’s demoralizing for you to continue to attract, date, and potentially become attached to these undesirable men. It’s hard to get attached to people who either treat us poorly, can’t give us what we need or want, or behave badly.
I would guess that you’re feeling hurt and hopeless from this recurring situation, which is why you’re putting up walls to protect yourself. I don’t blame you. We must keep ourselves safe.
However, your method of protecting yourself, as you said, is interfering with what you want, which is to meet a “good” guy. I wonder if we could discuss a better way to protect yourself which would allow you to be open to good guys as they enter your life.
However, before we go there, I’m sensing that you have some pain to process before you’re going to be able to move forward.
Sometimes, we underestimate how hurtful breakups and dating can be. Societal messages like “it’s not a big deal” and “just get over it already” can keep us from understanding and feeling the true pain that comes from not being able to find a healthy partner. It is normal to feel sad, discouraged, rejected, etc. after a breakup, no matter how long, committed, or intense the relationship was.
To move through some of this pain, you could try psychotherapy aimed at grief, attachment theory, and relationships.
Since humans are social creatures, we often heal best in a relationship with another person. When you attend individual therapy with a professional who is empathetic, non-judgemental, and informed, it gives you space to process your experiences and related emotions.
Therapy may also help you understand more about yourself, your patterns and negative beliefs, your attachment style, and why you continue to end up in the relationships that you do, which could help you make different decisions in the future.
At times, we may also have unresolved childhood trauma that makes it easy for us to end up in romantic partnerships that mimic the chaotic conditions in which we grew up.
Despite the adult relationship being unhealthy, it feels normal, and perhaps even like “love”, which can make it difficult or even impossible to leave. If this resonates with you, I highly recommend finding a therapist who also specializes in complex trauma, attachment, and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) to help you heal.
Either in addition to attending therapy or on its own, you could try journaling.
One of my favorite ways to journal is to take a pen and notebook and write down everything you think and feel. It doesn’t matter how dark or negative the contents are – don’t judge yourself and keep writing until you feel ready to stop.
When you’re done, you can either make a ritual out of closing the journal and putting it in a specific place, safely burning the pages, or shredding them to signal that you're done with this work for now.
An alternative or addition to this journalling practice is to ask yourself questions while journaling. To do this, write down your question, i.e. why can’t I get over (insert name here), and then wait until the answer comes to you.
Once the answer does come, write it down. Don’t question the answers that come to mind, as a lot of this may be rooted in our subconscious, so the answers may surprise you, seem trivial, or unrelated. Trust that you’re on to something, and if it’s not triggering or destabilizing, go with it anyway.
We all deserve a warm, responsive partner who shares our vision for the future, who can support us when needed, and whose company we enjoy.
Once you get to a place where you feel more open to meeting potential partners again, (meaning you don’t have to put up walls, give cold stares, and make yourself invisible anymore) I have five tips to help you screen for and create Simple Healthy Love.
Attunment – Are they working to understand who you are and your experience? This could present as them asking you questions, doing things they know are important or of interest to you, and being curious about your experience and reality.
Express your Needs and Feelings – This is essential in any relationship, whether it is romantic or not. Ultimately, we need a partner who understands us, since feeling heard, seen, and understood are all basic human needs. See how your prospective partner is during the beginning (and beyond) of your relationship when you tell them what you feel and need. Are they open to it? Will they make reasonable changes? Are they empathetic? Do they listen to you?
Alternatively, if you chronically feel misunderstood, overlooked, or uncared for, you are likely with the wrong person.
Don’t Play Games – I know that we have been taught that it’s cool to be unavailable when dating, by not replying promptly to messages, being too busy to spend time together, or sending mixed messages about your feelings for someone.
However, these behaviors are much more likely to attract unavailable/undesirable people. If you want a simple, healthy relationship, then you need to be responsive, available, and caring, while expecting the same from your partner. Remember, like attracts like.
Ability to Resolve Conflict – How does your new love interest react when there is conflict to be worked through? Do they become and stay defensive? Are they able to understand your perspective and apologize? Are they able to bring issues to you that they have noticed and need to be worked through?
Caring Behaviors – Are they able to show you that they care, through both their actions and words? Do they plan dates and activities that they know you will enjoy; do they ask you about topics that they know are important to you? Do they make time for you in their life? Do they listen to you talk about things that stress you and support your success? Do they compliment you, or openly discuss your relationship?
Lastly, you can also check out this post where I discuss ways to help you decide if you should go on a subsequent date with someone.
Even when we are better at screening, a straggler or two may slip through the gates. So, let’s normalize that even when we are careful and informed, we may still allow the occasional undesirable partner to take up temporary residence in our lives. By normalizing this, we can helpfully keep ourselves from any unnecessary self-blame or dating burnout.
If this does happen, it can be mitigated by screening them with the tips above, as well as going slowly when you meet someone new.
Going slowly may mean limiting the amount of time you spend with them, pacing your sexual contact, refraining from making big decisions (i.e. move-ins, long vacations, etc.), or thinking/talking about them too much.
Going slowly could give you a better chance to see if they are good or undesirable, without getting so emotionally involved that you overlook red flags.
I hope this was helpful, and that you now have some new tools to use in your dating life. I wish you the best with your emotional recovery and as you continue your path to finding Simple Healthy Love.
Warmly,
Julia
P.S. Did you enjoy this blog? Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life? I post new answers to reader questions each Saturday at Noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.