How to Go On Better Dates

I often find myself on terrible dates. What am I doing wrong?

Dear Julia,

I’m 21 and new to dating.  I’m online and am going on a lot of dates.  However, I’m finding that once I meet these people in person, I regret having said yes.  I find that we have nothing to talk about, that I get the “ick” or I am put off by how little effort they put into meeting me. 

Some of them showed up late, talk too much about themselves, and one person was drunk!  How do I know if I should go on a date with someone, and then if it’s someone I want to see again?

Hi 21,

Thanks for your questions.  They are great and I’m proud of you for thinking of it so early into your dating life.  Dating is one of those essential experiences that most of us go through, but no one teaches us how to do it properly.  As a result, we often end up spending time with people who aren’t a match for us and may even miss the ones who are. 

If you’re often finding yourself disinterested in your date straight away, this makes me wonder if you did a good enough job of screening them before agreeing to meet. 

You mentioned dating online.  How much time do you spend talking to someone before you meet?  I know it can be common for people to agree to meet straight away.  However, this often leads to disappointment and takes a fair amount of time and effort.

In addition to having fun and enjoying the experience, I want you to consider dating as an assessment process. 

Most people worry if their date likes them, but I want you to focus more on if you like your date, and if they have qualities you want in a long-term partner (assuming that’s what you’re looking for). 

If you’re able to develop a conversation online with a potential date (which could be a deal breaker if you can’t), you should be able to determine some or all of the following:

1. If they respond to your messages promptly

2. If they are asking questions and trying to get to know you

3. If any red flags emerge

4. If you’re enjoying the conversation

Once you have chatted enough to see if they fit the above criteria, I recommend scheduling a phone or video call before meeting in person.  This allows you to know if:

     5. They look like their photos (a common complaint from online daters)

    6. They took the call seriously, meaning they were appropriately dressed, ready on time, and displayed a continued interest in getting to know you, etc.    

     7. You enjoyed the conversation and appreciate the parts of them that you got to know  

If you felt comfortable, found them to be kind and respectful, and felt some sense of attraction, then you may have a nice base for an in-person date. 

After either a video/phone or in-person date, here are some further reflection points to consider as you decide whether or not to see them again:

1. Do I want to see them again? Why or Why Not?

2. How did I feel when I was with them? Was I light and carefree? Serious and deliberate? Insecure and Clingy?

3. How did my body feel during the date? Tense, anxious, calm, light?

4. Did I enjoy the conversation and am I interested in learning more about them?

5. Am I thinking about them post-call or date?

6. What parts of them do I appreciate, respect, and enjoy?

7. Did they listen to me? Did I feel understood?

8. Did they ask me questions to demonstrate that they were interested in me and what I was talking about?

I hope that was the guidance you were looking for.  Try out the suggestions, tweak them to fit your personal dating process, and let me know how it goes by sending me a reply through the contact forum. 

Warmly,

Julia

P.S. Did you enjoy this blog?  Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life?  I post new answers to reader questions each Saturday at Noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.