5 Signs Your Boyfriend Is Emotionally Abusive
My relationship started out well, but now he insults me, we fight often and I’m afraid of him. Is he abusive?
Dear Julia,
I think I may be in an abusive relationship, but I’m not sure.
I have been dating my boyfriend for a year. Initially, he was very romantic and affectionate. We have a lot in common and we spent a lot of time together.
It didn’t take long for me to start feeling off. He started to go cold on me more often and didn’t want to talk about issues that came up. He gets angry with me frequently. Sometimes he insults me. It never seems like the arguments we have and how angry he gets are in proportion to what’s happening. Sometimes he tells me that I’m wrong and that my perception of things isn’t correct. I think this may be abusive behaviour but I’m not sure.
He hasn’t been physically abusive with me, but I am starting to worry that he may one day. I’m finding him increasingly unpredictable and it’s scaring me. My friends think I should leave.
There is a part of me that agrees with them, but I also know that he can be sweet and funny when he wants to be.
I wonder if this could be a phase? Or maybe I’m the one that is causing his behaviour? Could he change? He’s the first guy I have met in a long time that I felt could work out, and I am not ready to let go of him so quickly.
What should I do?
Dear Reader,
I’m so happy that you had the courage to reach out to your friends and to me about this.
Abuse is a mixture of behaviours that are used to maintain power and control over an individual. This can include physical, emotional, mental or sexual behaviours.
You mentioned that the beginning of your relationship was romantic and affectionate before you noticed changes. Abuse often starts gradually and can increase over time. It can also be completely absent at the beginning of a relationship.
In fact, it’s common for abusive relationships to seem healthy at the beginning. However, it’s also possible that the early signs of abuse go undetected if you’re not sure what you’re looking for or if you come from an abusive environment.
It’s much more likely that a person would end up in an abusive relationship if they come from an abusive home. This is because the abuse feels normal, or perhaps even like love.
Another common outcome of living in an abusive environment is that the abused person doesn’t believe that they are worthy of a healthy relationship, leading them to settle for mistreatment.
Of course, these choices and beliefs are often subconscious, meaning that you’re unaware of their presence or how they play out in your daily life.
Based on the behaviours you’re describing, and because you feel scared, I do believe that you’re in an abusive relationship.
You mentioned a variety of Emotionally Abusive Relationship Signs:
He insults you. Name-calling is an abusive behaviour.
His anger towards you could be a way for him to try to intimate or control you. Intimidation and control are both abusive behaviours.
His telling you that your perception of events is incorrect, may be gaslighting. This is an abusive behaviour.
When he goes cold and doesn’t want to talk about issues that come up maybe stonewalling. This is also an abusive behaviour.
The fifth sign of abuse is that you worry he may physically harm you one day. You feel scared in your relationship. This is your body and intuition trying to keep you safe. You’re not supposed to feel this way in a relationship. A part of you knows that and wants to get your attention.
Survivors of abuse often get attached to the good times. This is a large part of what keeps them in the relationship. You mentioned he can be sweet and funny. I believe you. However, the problem is that while he’s sweet and funny, he’s also abusive. Both opposites can exist simultaneously, and being sweet and funny does not outweigh or excuse the abuse.
It’s normal to have a mixture of good and bad behaviours in an abusive relationship or an abusive person. The good behaviours or qualities confuse us (ex. can things be that bad when he financially supports me, is very physically affectionate, does have his good days where we have a lot of fun together?) and thus encourage us to stay and hope for change.
You asked me if this is a phase or if he could change. The answer is almost always no, and please don’t hope that you’re the exception as it’s extremely unlikely that you are.
Normally, an abusive person doesn’t have the necessary desire or insight required to change. They may not believe that they are abusive. They may feel justified in their behaviours. They may even claim that their partner is the abusive one.
What this means is that they won’t have the capacity to change. For a person to change, they need to have insight and motivation. If a person can’t acknowledge their abusive behaviour, how are they going to change?
You mentioned wondering if you’re causing his behaviours. A good rule of thumb is to understand that we are not responsible for the behaviour of others, whether they are abusive or not.
A person’s behaviour can be influenced by how they are treated in the moment and what they are reacting to, but their response is ultimately a mix of their temperament, unhealed traumas, their level of differentiation, past experiences, mood, etc.
Therefore, you are not responsible for a person’s abusive behaviour. Normally, a person will abuse another to gain power and control over them.
Abusive behaviour can also be due to attachment wounding. This means that the abuser will abuse to keep you close to them.
This sounds counterproductive, but the majority of abusive behaviours are intended to break the victim down so that they can’t or don’t want to leave.
For example, an abuser may try to limit the contact you have with others, restrict your ability to work or have access to your own finances, or degrade you with insults, manipulation or gaslighting. These conditions make it a lot more difficult for the person to end the relationship, either because they lost their autonomy and freedom, or because their self-esteem and self-worth are so depleted that the victims start to believe that no one else will want them.
This serves the abuser as they are trying to meet their attachment needs. All humans have the need to feel a bond or attachment to other humans. Of course, we are intended to develop and maintain this bond healthily, by using trust, reciprocity, understanding, love and care.
However, an abusive person, either hasn’t been modelled this type of healthy attachment and thus doesn’t know how to form healthy attachments, or doesn’t believe that they are worthy of a person who loves them without forcing them to stay. Thus, they use abusive behaviour to keep the people in their lives close.
You mentioned that he’s the best guy you have met in a long time. However, abuse of any kind is a deal breaker in any relationship, romantic or not. As I already mentioned, the good times do not outweigh the abuse. If you choose to stay in this relationship, the behaviour is unlikely to change and it may even escalate.
Whether or not you decide to stay in this relationship, I want you to consider your safety to be of utmost priority. One way to maintain your safety is to constantly ask yourself if you feel safe, and if not, what you can do to make yourself feel safer.
A few examples of you doing something to help you feel safer could be leaving his company when you sense he’s escalating or when he already has. You may decide that you only want to spend time with him in public places. You may ask your friends if you can stay with them or to be present when you have certain conversations with him.
Of course, this post was not meant to be an exhaustive list of all of the considerations that come with being in and/or leaving an abusive relationship. I would encourage you to seek out other resources as well, which could include individual counselling with a therapist who specializes in abuse and trauma.
I’m not sure what your location is, but if you’re in Canada, you could try the following resources:
Assaulted Women’s Helpline https://www.awhl.org/
Barbara Schlifer Clinic https://www.schliferclinic.com/
I wish you strength, clarity and compassion as you decide what you would like to do. You may also benefit from reading the following post Can I Love Someone Who Makes Me Miserable?
Warmly,
Julia
P.S. Did you enjoy this blog? Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life? I post new answers to reader questions every Saturday at noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.
Please note that reader questions may be edited for length or clarity.