How to Break Up With Someone You Still Love

How do I end a 10-year partnership with my high school sweetheart?

Dear Julia,

My partner and I have been together for 10 years and are high school sweethearts.  We have lived together for 5 years but have no children.   While we were initially very in love, there has been an increasing distance growing between us in the past few years. 

She is not there for me the way she used to be, and it seems like the distance between us grows every day.  She’s spending more time with her friends and doesn’t seem to want me in her life anymore.  I have brought it up multiple times, but she brushes me off, assuring me that everything is fine.

I know in my gut that it’s not.  I have known her since we were kids and it feels like she’s done with me, but won’t tell me honestly.  I’m in agony over it and feel incredibly stuck. 

I’m beginning to wonder if I need to end our relationship.  I’m not ready to do this quite yet, but I am preparing for the possibility.  I still love her and hope that things will change, but also know that I can’t live like this for much longer. 

What is the best way to break up with someone, when there is so much history, loss, and love?

Thanks, Mike.

Dear Mike,

First, I want to start by offering my deepest condolences.  What an excruciating situation to be in.  No wonder you’re in agony.  

It’s clear your relationship no longer brings you the joy and love you grew accustomed to after so much time.  It is also obvious that you deserve a healthier relationship than what yours has turned into.

I’m relieved that you’re giving this break-up appropriate thought and consideration.  It has become too common in our society to end a relationship by ghosting, limiting contact, or behaving badly so that the other person will break up with us. 

Unfortunately, these inconsiderate behaviors do not take the feelings of the other person, or the integrity of the relationship into account.  

It’s important to break up in a way that gives both people the closure and dignity that they deserve. 

For many, this will include an honest explanation from the person who is ending the relationship, the ability for both parties to share how they are feeling, and clear boundaries regarding how you’re moving forward.

Thus, I am happy to explain the best way to break up with someone you still love.  I also hope the points below help you to reflect on your feelings and how to move forward.

How To Break Up with Someone You Still Love

First, we need to normalize how difficult this experience will be.

Depending on the length and/or depth of the relationship, this will be uncomfortable at the very least.  The longer and/or more serious the relationship was the more potential for pain and hurt there is.

I’m making this point because if you’re aware of the difficult emotions that this will stir up, you will hopefully be better able to withstand them. Please do not use the presence of discomfort and pain as an excuse to avoid this essential part of a partnership.

Second, you have an in-person conversation with the person with whom you are breaking up. 

I do not suspect that you, Mike, are planning to skip this conversation or simply send your partner of 10 years a text message to end your relationship.  

I’m directing this point at other people who think it’s okay to start to slowly fade away, provide little to no explanation, or somehow leave your partner anxious and panicked about what is happening while the person leaving the relationship quietly takes their exit. 

This means no text message breakups and no ghosting.  Treat this person the way you would want to be treated.   Put yourself in their shoes.   Think about how they are feeling.  

Therefore, a proper breakup conversation happens in person unless there are exceptions, like the relationship was superficial (to both of you), short-lived, if safety concerns are present, or if distance is a factor.

If any of these factors are the case, then you could have the conversation on the phone.  However, none of the above exceptions excuse ghosting, a text message breakup, or other disrespectful behaviors.

Third, explain your thought process and how you decided to end the relationship. 

This is your chance to explain how you decided to break up.  For yourself, you could explain that you have felt a disconnect for a long time and that her spending more time with her friends than you leaves you feeling rejected and alone.  You could mention what you have done to try to fix the situation, i.e. talking to her about it without it having the impact you were hoping for.  

You could share with her that your relationship no longer makes you happy and that you’re at a point where you don’t know what else to do but leave.  Of course, these are only my suggestions based on what you wrote.  You will need to personalize what you’re going to say. 

Fourth, reassure the person that you loved and/or cared for them during the relationship.

It can be common for someone being dumped to worry that were never loved or cared for.  In most cases, just because a relationship is ending, doesn’t mean that the love and good times didn’t happen.  Take this time to reassure your partner that you cared for them during the partnership and that they were important to you. 

Fifth: Take the time to ask her how she’s feeling and for her perspective after you have shared. 

Give her time and space to collect and share her thoughts.  This time can help her process and get closure.  Listen without interrupting, try to understand her feelings, and ask questions to gain further understanding. 

Sixth: Do not try to convince her to validate your reasoning for ending the relationship. 

This is more of a warning than a step. 

You may be tempted to get her to understand and validate your decision to end the relationship.  However, this is unlikely, and if you push for it you may do additional emotional harm.  Instead, focus on sharing your process and understanding her perspective and feelings.

Seven: refrain from bringing up anything you believe they did wrong in the relationship. 

Perhaps they had a spending problem, were messy, or regularly left empty milk containers in the fridge.  This is not the time to share.  Perhaps it’s brought up later if they are asking for more clarification, but you’re adding insult to injury when you’re both breaking up with them and telling them about their faults at the same time.   

Eight: If you treated your partner poorly, this is a good time to acknowledge that and apologize.    

You likely did things they didn’t like in the relationship.  Maybe you were critical or judgemental.  Perhaps you didn’t do your fair share of work around the home.  Perhaps you have been emotionally unavailable while you have been deciding how to end the relationship.  Whatever it may be, admit it and apologize.  

Nine: Establish Clear Boundaries

This step is important as you don’t want to give the other person false hope that you may get back together.  If you live together, boundaries may be that you’re no longer sharing a bed and that you only discuss household matters. If you’re not living together, it’s likely best that the two of you do not spend time together anymore. All intimate contact (kissing, sex, hand-holding) needs to stop, and you may want to keep your dating lives private from one another as you both move on.

One caveat to this is that there may need to be a few more break-up discussions, to answer any further questions or air things out.  This can be healthy, normal and help with closure.

If ongoing discussions are appropriate, you would want to establish boundaries here as well.  For example, perhaps you keep it to a phone call, or you meet in a public place that doesn’t have special meaning to either of you.  You may want to put limits on what is discussed as well, i.e. just the breakup, not how you have been doing, etc.  

I hope these nine steps help you end your 10-year love story with dignity and grace, and help you gain closure too.  I wish you all the best as you come to terms with your decision and the new direction that you’re life will take. 

Warmly,

Julia

P.S. Did you enjoy this blog?  Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life?  I post new answers to reader questions every Saturday at noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.