Can We Move In Together Without Discussing Our Future?

I hope that my boyfriend wants to get married and have kids, but I’m too afraid to talk to him about it.

Dear Julia,

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year.  He’s divorced with two kids.  I’m 40 and hoping to have kids of my own, with him. 

I chose him because he’s kind and has a good relationship with his kids.  He treats me with respect and love.  I get along fine with his ex-wife.  Overall, it’s an easy relationship. 

Recently, we have been discussing moving in together.  For me, I am ready for this.  I have been wanting to get married and have a family for a long time now. 

The problem is, we haven’t talked about where our relationship is going.  Yes, we are talking about moving in together, and there has been some passing comments about having children and getting married, but I’m worried that if I speak to him directly about it he’s going to tell me he doesn’t want what I want. 

I am hoping that if we move in together, things will work out.  We will end up getting married and having kids.  But I have this feeling I can’t quite shake, an anxiety of sorts.

What should I do?

Dear Reader,

What a common problem to be in.  It is unfortunately way too frequent that we are not honest or our true selves in our relationships, as we fear that we will lose the other person.

Of course, your reasons for continuing the relationship make a lot of sense.  It’s an easy relationship.  He is respectful and loving with you. He’s the best option you have found after dating for way longer than you wanted to.  You’re ready to move forward and only need to find the right person.  

These are all reasonable reasons for wanting to stay in a relationship.

However, while these are reasonable reasons, compatibility is essential especially when considering a person as our life partner and father of our children.

Compatibility means that we get along well with and want the same things as our partner.  It is essential in a long-term intimate partnership.  

In your case, you know that you want to get married and have kids.  These are your goals and needs. 

You know that overall you’re happy in your relationship.  What you do not know, is if your partner’s goals and needs are the same as yours.  Therefore, you do not know if you’re compatible or not.

It is essential to understand that we can love someone who we are not compatible with. 

If you’re a Friend’s lover from back in the day, think of Monica and Richard.  She wanted marriage and kids, and he was willing to do it, but begrudgingly.  She sensed this and decided that despite how much she loved him, she wanted a husband and father for her children who would be enthusiastic about their lives together. 

Monica ended their relationship, worked through the pain, grief, and heartbreak, and eventually married and had children with Chandler.

What we can take away from this is that once we have decided on our life goals, we need to stick to them to get what we want and deserve. 

You already know that you want to get married and have children.  What you don’t know is if your partner wants the same things as you.  

Therefore, you must talk to him directly, before you move in together.  Even if your hopes do come true and you end up getting married and having children together without the conversation, you may be doing the relationship a disservice by not having the formal discussion.

This is because it’s an important part of a healthy relationship to have open, honest conversations about what we want in life and if we can give it to one another.  Not to mention that research found that having these formal discussions at critical points in relationships leads to stronger partnerships overall.  

Therefore, it’s essential to have these difficult conversations.  This isn’t to overlook how difficult they can be.  However, the more you do it, the easier they become. 

You could consider having a discussion with your partner about how to have these conversations.  You two may want to agree on the timing of serious talks, if there is a way to ask for these conversations, or if you want to have advanced notice of a big conversation, etc.  As always, I recommend this format. 

I also recommend determining compatibility before you move in together as it’s much harder to break up once you have. This is because you must deal with diving up your things, finding a new space to live, etc.  These barriers can make it tempting to stay in a relationship that’s not working.

I’m also noticing that your boyfriend hasn’t asked you, his 40-year-old almost live-in girlfriend, what she wants out of life.  Why isn’t he curious about this?  Not only as a part of him truly knowing who you are (which is an essential part of a healthy intimate relationship) but also so he can determine if he’s the right partner for you.   

It sounds like the two of you could be struggling with avoidance, which makes me wonder if there are other topics that neither of you has brought up.  These topics could be finances, the level of your involvement in parenting his children, or the frequency of physical intimacy in your relationship, as some examples.   

Therefore, I highly recommend you rip off the bandaid and talk to him.  While this will be scary, you may want to avoid it, please note that what we avoid tends to get worse over time. 

You may not get the answers you want, but you will also save yourself unmeasurable heartache and time if it does turn out that you do not want the same things. 

Also, consider the relief you are likely to feel, no matter which way this conversation goes.  You identified feeling anxious in your question.  Your anxiety means something is off and needs to be attended to.  Normally when we are anxious about something and we avoid it, we feel much better when we finally do it. 

Lastly, for those of you reading this who are still dating and at risk of ending in a position where you’re deep into a relationship and not sure if you’re compatible with your partner. 

I encourage you to ask questions about a person’s goals, dreams, and lifestyle early on.  By early on, I mean in the first 1-3 dates.  Alternatively, if you have been casually seeing someone for some time, and are starting to want more, that is also the time to be asking them about their intentions, goals, future, etc. Once you have the answers to these questions, it can help you determine how involved you want to get with them.  

I wish you well with this difficult decision, and I truly hope that you get the answers you are looking for.

Warmly,

Julia

P.S. Did you enjoy this blog?  Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life?  I post new answers to reader questions every Saturday at noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE. 

Please note that reader questions may be edited for length or clarity.

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