What to do When You Don’t Feel Worthy Enough for a Relationship

Can I attract the right partner when part of me doesn’t believe that I deserve it?

Dear Julia,

I am not currently in a relationship right now but I’ve been trying to prepare myself for one. I just want to know how you go about feeling worthy of love so you can attract the right partner? Part of me knows that I am worthy of love but there’s another part that just doesn’t feel good enough or like it can happen to me.

Dear Worthy,

Sometimes in session, when I have a client doubt their worthiness, I ask them what it takes for a human being to be worthy.  They always think about this very hard, come up with a few answers that may have to do with social status or helping others.  Always, they seem shocked by my answer.   

What does a person have to do to be worthy?  My answer: They must be alive.  That’s it.  If you’re human, you’re worthy.  You don’t have to do anything to earn worthiness.  It’s your birthright.   

This is not meant to invalidate or deny how you’re feeling.  However, the part of you that worries about being good enough or that love can happen for you is likely based on attachment wounding, and past traumatic or difficult experiences and is not fact.  A simple, healthy relationship can happen for anyone (perhaps barring people with extreme conditions like sociopathy). 

Have you heard of Attachment Theory?  If not, you may choose to have a look at this post which gives a basic overview of the four different types. 

I sense that you’re struggling with a form of insecure attachment.  I say this because people with secure attachment understand that they are worthy of love and know that there are many people in the world with whom they can have a simple healthy relationship.  This is due to their caregivers being consistently available and present during infancy and childhood, which teaches the child that they are wanted, important, and loved.  So, in essence, worthy with love all around.   

People with an insecure attachment style will often yearn for something that they believe they are not able to have, which could explain why you worry that you’re not going to find love. 

However, just because you feel unworthy or don’t think you will find love doesn’t make it true. 

Feelings are not facts. 

Often, we pick up negative beliefs, which could be the belief that we’re unworthy, bad, not good enough, etc., in childhood, due to having caregivers who weren’t able to parent us in the way that we needed.  For example, the belief that you’re unworthy could be due to caregivers who were critical, absent, or inconsistent with their presence or attunement.  When we look at it this way, it’s easier to see that it’s not the child who is unworthy, or good enough, but the inability of the caregiver to provide in the way that the child deserves.  This leaves the child with negative ideas about themselves as a person. 

It’s normal and quite common for a child to learn to blame themselves for a caregiver’s shortcomings.  It’s much less stressful for a child to believe that there is something wrong with them, than to face the reality of having a caregiver who can’t care for them emotionally, physically, financially, or psychologically.  It is too stressful for a child to know that their caregiver is falling short, so we are very much defended against acknowledging this reality.   

When these negative beliefs are left unhealed, we carry them into adulthood, which includes into our romantic relationships.  These beliefs and/or attachment wounding can prevent us from finding the love we deserve, lead us to pair up with unhealthy partners, have us pass up or overlook a potential healthy partner, or stay in a relationship that isn’t working for us.

It’s thus essential for us to understand that our negative beliefs are not true, and to work at changing them.  So, when the part of you who believes that you’re unworthy and unlikely to find a relationship shows up, can you challenge this belief with the psychoeducation I have provided? Could you reassure it that you are worthy, deserving and that you will find a partner when the time is right?  Or maybe you could explore this part, by asking it where it comes from, how it feels, and what it needs?

We can all move towards secure attachment.  The best thing to do if you have an insecure attachment style, whether it be anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, is to get yourself into therapy with a skilled attachment therapist.  Some types of therapy that help with attachment wounding and recovery can be Attachment-Based Therapy, Sensorimotor Therapy, Attachment-Focused EMDR, or Somatic Experiencing.  Since you mentioned having a part of you who believes you’re unworthy, Internal Family Systems (IFS) may also be an appropriate therapeutic modality for you.

If therapy is not an option, there are a few very helpful books to read on attachment. Books can provide psychoeducation and insight into why we are struggling and give us tools to help us with our recovery. Reading books can be an essential part of our healing journey. Two books that I recommend to help you better understand your attachment style are The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships by Diane Poole Heller and Attached by Amir Levigne and Rachel Heller.

Another wonderful way to help heal an insecure attachment system is to get yourself into a relationship with a partner who has a secure attachment style.  If someone is secure, it means that they communicate effectively, that you don’t doubt how they feel about you, they are supportive, and you can enjoy intimacy together.  You will be able to relax in this relationship.  You will feel understood, cared for, and close.  Additionally, pairing up with a secure partner could help you to feel more worthy, as they will be consistent and reliable which in turn will help you feel important and cherished.

You (and everyone else) need an available partner.  You will know if your partner is available enough if you regularly feel calm and relaxed in your relationship.  If you feel activated, obsessive, or preoccupied, it could be because your partner is not available enough to you, meaning that they possibly have an avoidant or disorganized attachment style.  When your partner is available, it means that they respond promptly to your texts, and phone calls, initiate contact, see you regularly, reassure you as needed, etc.   

I wish you the very best as you choose your preferred way(s) of healing, recognize your worth, and eventually enjoy the benefits of a secure partnership.

Warmly,

Julia

In case you missed it, here are the links to purchase a copy of The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships by Diane Poole Heller or Attached by Amir Levigne and Rachel Heller.

P.S. Did you enjoy this blog?  Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life?  I post new answers to reader questions each Saturday at Noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.