How to Know if He’s a Great Catch

Can I date a nice guy who lives with his mentally ill mother?

Dear Julia,

I need your advice.  Last night I went with a guy that is so attractive, and who seemed really kind and empathetic.  At one point on the date, I got upset and he held my hand.  He seemed positive, and lighthearted and already brought up that he wants to get married one day.  He has a great job, and his own business and sounds financially stable.  All great things in a potential partner, right?!

However, he also told me that he lives with his mother, who has Schizophrenia, and that he’s her sole caretaker.  I got the impression that he always plans to live with her, as he bought the house they live in and seems reluctant to involve anyone else in her care.  Also, he told me he smokes weed each day, and that his mother uses marijuana as her treatment, rather than proper medication. 

I’m torn.  He’s one of the nicest guys I have gone out with in a long time, and I felt very supported by him. He seems like in a lot of ways he could be a great catch, but I’m not sure how much I need to care about his living situation.  What do you think?  Should I go out with him again?

Dear Torn,

You’re right, this is a difficult situation to come across.  I hear that you value kindness, attraction, and empathy in a potential partner, which are all essential qualities in a healthy, long-term relationship.  However, I do agree that his situation could be cause for concern and have a few points for you to consider. 

First - I wonder whether this guy is going to be able to meet your needs as a partner?  With his own business and as a full-time caretaker, how much time does he have for a partner?  If you do go out with him again, I highly recommend that you ask him how much time his caretaking duties take, how much free time he has, and how much time he realistically has for YOU.  You can also assess how often he’s in touch, how often he’s planning dates, and if he continues to be attentive and caring towards you when you spend time together, to help you understand if he has enough time and energy for a partnership.  

Second - You mentioned him telling you that he wants to get married.  Is marriage important to you?  If so, then what does being married mean to you? What type of lifestyle would you want with your spouse? Is it monogamy, living together in a house, having dinner together most nights? 

Third - Would you be open to living with a parent-in-law who has an illness or disability that would take a lot of care and attention from your spouse?  You also want to consider what this would look like for your lifestyle.  Are you open to sharing care duties, and what type of impact may it have on you to live with someone who has an unmanaged mental illness?

Fourth - Too often we find someone who has a lot of what we are looking for, but who lacks essential qualities.  Someone may seem like a great catch because they are attractive, financially stable, and own their own business. 

However, if you do not feel understood or supported by them, and if they are too busy for you, or don’t show you that they care in ways that you need, then they are not the partner for you (or likely anyone).  The qualities that many people want, i.e. 6 feet, handsome/beautiful, and financially successful are qualities that have nothing to do with whether or not someone will be a great partner. 

Only you can decide what your essential must-haves are in your relationship, but I would argue that sufficient quality time and the ability for your partner to be there when you need them consistently are must-haves for everyone.   

When we are dating, it’s essential that we figure out what we need in our relationship, so that we can find a partner who can meet those needs.

Fifth - Since I’m also a trauma therapist, something else I’m wondering about is whether he’s done any therapy around having a mother with a serious mental health issue.  To me, his daily marijuana use suggests that he has not done this work.

When a child is raised by a parent who is struggling in some way, due to struggles with their mental health, addictions, poverty, etc. there is normally a pretty serious impact on the child.  This is because the struggles that the parent is going through make it difficult for them to meet the needs of the child, and when a child doesn’t have their needs met, it often results in relational traumas.  These relational traumas tend to pop up frequently in our romantic relationships and may look like avoidance of closeness, difficulty supporting another person, or the inability to deal with conflict. 

While we all have unhealed triggers and insecurities, and it’s an important part of a healthy relationship to be able to support our partners when these relational traumas are triggered. However, some unhealed trauma(s) can make a healthy romantic relationship very difficult, if not impossible. 

Lastly, I would also like to encourage you to reflect on what his situation with his mother is bringing up in you.  Do you feel a desire to help him? Do you have an urge to change him?  Do you want to run for the hills? Consider the parts of you that may be unhealed that are influencing the decisions that you’re making as you decide to see him again or not.  

Once you have the answers to these questions, really reflect on whether he will be able to meet your needs.  if you continue to date him, this will be an ongoing process. 

Okay, I think I got all of what I wanted to say. I hope that gave you a few things to consider, both with this man and with your dating future.  Feel free to send me some feedback here, and you are welcome to share this post with anyone else who you think may benefit.  I wish you luck with your choice.

Warmly,

Julia

P.S. Did you enjoy this blog?  Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life?  I post new answers to reader questions each Saturday at Noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.