What to Do When You Went Too Far Too Soon?

I went “too far” sexually with my new beau than I was comfortable with. Now I’m worried he will expect the same level of intimacy the next time we see each other.

Dear Julia,

I have been dating a new guy for a few weeks now, and things are going well.  Our last date was at his house.  He made us dinner and we watched a movie after.  Even though I had decided on my own prior to the date that I wasn’t going to be too sexual with him, we ended up going further than I had wanted to.

It’s not that he pushed me or that I didn’t give consent.  Rather, I ended up making decisions in the moment that I now regret.  I’m mad at myself for doing this and worried he’s going to expect the same level of intimacy or even more, the next time we meet, which I am not comfortable with.  

I don’t know what to do.

Dear Reader,

I understand that you got caught up in the moment, and went further sexually than you were ready for, leaving you feeling vulnerable and mad at yourself.  I want to start by offering you some compassion. 

I wonder if we do that by reframing this situation.  Perhaps you felt excitement, desire, lust, and/or attraction, and decided to give consent to what was being asked of you, which at that moment genuinely felt okay.  If this is the case, could you be kind to the part of you who was in that moment, and did what truly felt like the right decision?

Later, you second guessed your choices, and this can be normal.  It’s common for humans to do something and later feel regret.  This is one way that we learn. 

Now that you’re in this place, could we use this regret to our advantage? 

When we feel any emotion, it’s telling us about our needs.  Some examples are:  

  • Anger tells us that our needs for respect have not been met  

  • Happiness tells us that our needs for attention have been met  

  • Disappointment tells us that our needs for trust were not met  

  • Feeling free tells us that our needs for travel or living alone have been met

Notice that when a “negative” or “unpleasant” emotion is felt (i.e. anger or disappointment), it means that a need is unmet.  When a “positive” or “pleasant” emotion is felt (i.e. happiness or freedom), it means a need has been met. 

Normally, feeling regret means that we wish we could have done something differently, meaning that in the future, you need to make a different decision.    I encourage you to reflect on what that is. 

It could be that you need to clearly decide on what amount of physical intimacy feels comfortable for you at this point in your relationship.  Once you have decided on this, I recommend that you have an open, clear conversation with your new partner about what happened. 

During this conversation, I suggest that you tell him how you feel, and what you need going forwards.

As an example, you could share that you are upset that you allowed yourself to go further sexually than you had planned, and that you do not feel comfortable with your relationship continuing at this pace of sexual intimacy.  This script could look something like this:

Hey partner, there is something that is on my mind, that I would like us to talk about.  Would this be an okay time?

I really enjoyed our last date.  I’m very attracted to you and I’m excited about where our relationship could go.  I also really appreciate how careful you were with me while we were intimate, by asking for consent and allowing me to pace our sexual interaction.  That meant a lot to me. 

Despite both of our best intentions, my libido got the best of me, and after our date I found myself regretting how far I allowed us to go sexually.

I’m bringing this up not to say that you did anything wrong, but because I care about you and our budding relationship, and I need this to be out in the open.   I want to let you know that I’m not yet comfortable with that level of intimacy, despite us having been there already.  However, I’m confident that if our relationship continues to grow I will get there for real, and beyond, when it’s time.  For now, I need us to restrict our sexual interactions to A, B, and/or C (based on what you decide you’re comfortable with).  What are your thoughts about this?  

Since you are setting a firm boundary, his preference for sexual contact isn’t what you’re asking him to share (unless he wants to do less than you do).  You’re not asking him to counter with:  rather than just kissing, could I also touch your breasts?  No. 

You’re telling him what you’re comfortable with physically, period.  You are asking for his thoughts to invite him to share what’s coming up for him and to allow him to add anything to the discussion.  During the conversation, I want you to notice his tone, any hesitations, his facial expressions, and his body language, to try and understand how he’s reacting.

What you’re looking for is his understanding, empathy, and some remorse and guilt over what happened. 

While he didn’t intend to hurt you, that was the impact.  He was a part of the wounding, and you want to see that he cares about your feelings and the impact that his behavior has on you.

So, look for signs that he cares:  

  • Does he apologize, and if so, does it feel genuine?

  • Does he validate your feelings?

  • Does he understand your concerns?

  • Does he listen without interrupting or getting defensive?

Or does he deny your concerns, pressure you to keep going at the same sexual pace, or tell you that you’re overreacting (huge, flaming red flags that will require you to seriously consider ending the relationship)?

Assuming you have a conversation full of green flags, I want you to pay attention to his behavior going forward.  If his behavior does not match his words, I want you to really think about if you can continue seeing him, while feeling safe and cared for. 

Ideally, this is an opportunity for you to get to know yourself better and an opportunity for the two of you to work through difficulty in your relationship. If this is done properly, it will bring you closer.

I wish you the best with this conversation and with your new relationship.

Warmly,

Julia

Some related reading that may be beneficial to you is:

How to Fight When You’re Married

How to Set Boundaries In Your Relationship

If you would like to leave a comment, or if a reader would like to ask a new question, head over to my contact page.  

P.S. Did you enjoy this blog?  Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life?  I post new answers to reader questions every Saturday at noon (EST) AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE. 

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