Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend Who Doesn’t Want Kids?
My boyfriend of two years decided he doesn’t want kids anymore. I really do. Do I break up with him?
Dear Julia,
I have been dating my boyfriend for two years now, and from the get-go, we have discussed getting married and having kids. It’s always been our plan. I’m now almost 40 and aware of my biological clock.
It’s a perfectly imperfect relationship. Of course, we have our fights, but we are careful to work through them and learn from them. We spend a lot of quality time together and enjoy one another’s families. I love him so much and have been planning to spend the rest of my life with him.
However, last month he told me that he’s second-guessing having kids. I was both shocked and heartbroken. He explained how much he loves me, but that he loves our relationship as it is and doesn’t want things to change.
He went on to explain that he’s been thinking this for a few months, due to hearing stories from friends and colleagues who have kids, and that it’s not the lifestyle he wants anymore.
He shared that he’s been afraid to bring this up, as he doesn’t want to hurt me and worries it means we will have to break up. He seemed genuinely grief-stricken when he told me.
What do I do? I desperately love this man and the future we have been planning for the past two years. However, I also can’t imagine my life without kids.
Help.
Dear Help.
What life-shattering news to be given by your love. You must feel completely sidelined – both because you’re at risk of losing him or the life you dreamed of.
While the news he shared was devastating, I appreciate very much that he could be honest with you. That must have been incredibly difficult for him to share, and I can understand why he was initially hesitant.
How much information did you get from him, regarding the stories about having kids he’s heard? I’m curious because there are a lot of people who parent in a way that makes things unnecessarily difficult.
How you raise your children can greatly impact how much you enjoy having them.
Since I’m a therapist who works with adult survivors of childhood trauma, I can tell you that there are ways to parent which leads to kids who are happy, well-behaved, and enjoyable to be around. The opposite is also true.
Unfortunately, many people are not aware of how to practice a healthy type of parenting, as they simply mimic what their parents did (which wasn’t effective), have unhealed childhood wounds that lead them to withdraw or chastise their kids or practice unfair discipline tactics (grounding, yelling, time outs).
These conditions can yield kids that are untrusting, rebellious, and overall difficult to manage.
However, when we parent from a secure, calm place, that allows us to soothe our children when they are distressed, help them understand and manage their emotions, and when we provide sufficient guidance, care, and protection, kids thrive. It also makes parenting much easier and more enjoyable.
I suspect that he’s heard stories that are from parents who are not parenting in the best way possible, leading them to struggle unnecessarily.
If this is the case, you could ask him to consider reading parenting books that outline how to parent from a secure place. Once he has some psychoeducation to draw from, he may feel more in control and empowered which may shift his decision.
Two parenting books that I highly recommend are:
Hold On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate. It explains how to keep our kids close to us in an era where they are highly influenced by their peers and the internet, which is a must-read in today’s culture.
The Attachment Parenting Book By Martha & William Sears. It explains the principles of attachment parenting which leads to a trusting relationship between parent and child.
Another option would be for him to attend some short-term psychotherapy to help him understand where his fear and resistance are suddenly coming from.
Often, we have unconscious negative beliefs that drive our behavior. It’s possible that your boyfriend has negative beliefs he’s acquired about not being good enough, or competent enough, etc. to be a parent.
Then after hearing stories from others about their parenting challenges, his unconscious beliefs have come to the surface and are informing his choices.
It could also be helpful for him to reflect on what it means to him to be a father, especially since you mentioned his resistance to your relationship changing. What does he believe his life would look like as a father, and how true are these thoughts?
All relationships change over time, as will each of you. While this is normal, having a conversation either together and/or with a therapist could help to calm his nerves.
However, it is still possible that even with psychoeducation and therapy, your boyfriend has made the hard decision to remain childless. If this is the case, you need to be really honest with yourself about what the best choice for you is.
An essential part of a long-lasting, healthy relationship is a shared vision of the future.
I recommend that you spend time in individual therapy if possible, or by talking this huge decision through with trusted friends and family members about your options and which is best for you in the long term.
I suspect that no matter which option you choose, it will be difficult as you’re letting go of something that you love and have your heart set on.
However, you need to make the choice that will serve your future self best. When you think about your life in 5, 10, or 20 years, what does it look like? What type of life will leave you feeling the most fulfilled, purposeful, and happy?
Once you get clear on this, you will know what you need to do.
Also, I know you mentioned that you’re almost 40, and only you can decide how much that fact impacts your decision.
I would like to note that it is possible to have children after 40 and that it is more common that we think to find a partner who wants to focus on establishing a loving relationship quickly so that having kids is a priority.
It very well may be that leaving your partner for a different man who wants kids is the right choice for you, but only you can decide that.
I wish you all the luck, insight, and support that you need as you make this difficult decision. Some related reading that you may find helpful is:
What to do When You’re 40 and Still Single (in case you decide to end the relationship)
How to Fight When You’re Married (since it has a format to help you two communicate as you discuss the above points)
Warmly,
Julia
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