Five Simple Ways to Explode Your Sex Life
I don’t enjoy sex with my husband, and he asks me for it all the time. What do I do?
Dear Julia,
I need your help. I have been married for almost 10 years now and have gotten to the point where I really do not want to have sex with my spouse anymore. He asks for it all the time but I just don’t enjoy it. Actually, I never have. Well, initially things were fun and exciting, so I liked it then I guess? But after we had been together for a few months it started to feel a bit tedious. It is made worse by the frequency with which he expects it. He wants it all the time! What do I do? I don’t want to end the marriage, and I want us both to be happy, but I can’t be hounded like this anymore.
Dear Hounded,
What a difficult situation for you to be in. I can imagine that it’s very confusing to want to stay married to someone who you do not want to be intimate with anymore. However, I’m hoping that your desire to stay married does suggest that there is a decent enough foundation for this to be worked through.
Do you know why you don’t want to have sex with your spouse? Do you feel disconnected from him or resentful towards him? Does he like a type of sex that you don’t? Do you feel insecure while having sex?
Some reflection on what has led to your disinterest in sex will help you understand yourself and your emotions better so that you can discuss it with him.
It is essential to be able to work through difficult issues with our partners, and like any other problem that you will inevitably encounter with your spouse, I always recommend that you use this format to ensure the best results.
I am going to guess from the information that you did provide (that sex was initially fun and exciting before quickly becoming boring, and because of how often he expects it), that a lack of intimacy and connection could be the reason that you don’t want to have sex anymore, and the reason why your spouse asks you for sex all the time.
Our sexual relationship is based on the quality of our emotional bond. This means that the more we support each other, show up for each other when needed, respond to each other’s requests for connection, and prioritize each other against others, the more enjoyable our sex life is.
I also suspect that a lack of an emotional connection between yourself and your spouse could be the case as you mentioned that you found the sex fun and exciting at first, but that after a few months, it became tedious.
This may suggest that you didn’t establish enough of an emotional bond at the beginning of the relationship for you to find the sex fulfilling, and once the initial excitement of a new partner wore off, you started to find the sex tedious.
Often, people will move on to a new relationship due to their belief that the sex has gotten “boring” which can make them resistant to continuing with their partner. These people often don’t recognize that their inability to establish true intimacy in their relationship is the reason for the sex to become boring, leaving the cycle to repeat itself with their next partner.
Lately, I also noticed your comment about your spouse wanting sex all the time. This could also suggest a lack of other forms of intimacy in your relationship, which would lead to your spouse asking for intimacy in the only way he knows how.
How are your other forms of physical intimacy? Do you ever hug, kiss, cuddle, or hold hands? Do you have open, vulnerable conversations that leave you both feeling supported and understood? Do you show up for each other when needed? Do you have fun together, support each other’s goals, and know what each other dreams about for your future?
If the answer is no or not often enough, this could also be the reason for them asking you for sex so frequently. Sex alone may fulfill some of our intimacy needs, but when we have sex without an emotional connection, or even sex without feeling connected to our partner (think eyes closed, lights off, no talking kind of sex) then we are only scratching the surface of what we actually need as human beings when it comes to fulfilling sexual intercourse.
If I’m right, then this can be a simple problem to fix. There are so many ways to increase the intimacy that you enjoy in your romantic relationship. Here are five simple, healthy, ideas to get you started:
Enjoy physical contact that isn’t necessarily sexual. Kiss, cuddle, hold hands, and linger in bed together for a bit longer.
Spend more time talking to your partner. This is important as feeling heard, seen, and understood are essential human needs, and they can all be met during an attentive conversation. Make a point of allocating at least a few minutes each day to check in and see how your partner’s day went. Make a point to listen to and understand what they are telling you, and ask them questions to help demonstrate your interest.
Ensure that you’re attending to one another. If you notice that your partner is upset, find out what you can do to help them feel better. If your partner is having trouble with the kids, notice this and find out how you can help. If your partner seems more tired than usual, offer to take some responsibilities off their plate temporarily so they can rest.
You’re a team, and one of the intentions of being in a partnership is making things easier and more enjoyable for your partner, with the expectation that they will do the same for you.
Create rituals as a couple. Rituals could be anything from brushing your teeth together while making eye contact, having a Friday date night each week, reading to one another as you fall asleep, rubbing one another’s back, having sex, or having coffee or a shower together in the mornings. You could try one of the suggested rituals or one of your own. What would help you and your partner feel more connected to one another?
Great each other with a warm embrace when you come home. Hug each other, make sure that your torsos are touching, and don’t let go until you’re both feeling more relaxed, which will likely take at least 10 or more seconds.
Remember, the more intimacy, connection, and bonded you feel with your partner, the better the sex will be.
I wish you luck with your situation. Feel free to write back to let me know how things go – did the information I provided resonate? Did you try any of the suggestions with a positive, negative, or neutral impact? I would love to know, and you can provide feedback here.
Additionally, some related reading that could be helpful to you is:
How To Improve You’re Connection When You’re Really Busy
P.S. Did you enjoy this blog? Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life? I post new answers to reader questions every Saturday at noon (EST) AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.