I’m The Third Wheel In My Marriage. Help.

I’m very uncomfortable with one of my husbands female friends, but he insists that I’m just being anxious. What should I do?

Dear Julia,

I have been married for seven years.  My husband has always had close female friendships, and normally that’s fine.  However, one in particular has really started to make me pretty uncomfortable. 

He spends multiple evenings a week with her, and when I have hung out with them together, it’s clear that other people, like restaurant servers, etc. think that they are a couple.

I keep telling him that I’m concerned, that I don’t think it’s great that he’s spending so much time with her.  He doesn’t even spend this much time with me.  He keeps telling me that I’m super anxious and that I can hang out with them to see that they are just friends. 

So once, we all went to the movies, and I noticed that his body was turned towards her and not me.  Overall, I feel totally out of place while I’m out with them.  It does not seem like they are just friends. 

I’m not sure what to do or say.  When I ask him about this, he continues to say they are just friends and that I’m being overly anxious.  I’m at the point where I’m worried that they are having an affair.  Please Help. 

Dear Reader,

You said you don’t know what to do, but you do. 

You know that something is very wrong: 

·       You said that this one friendship makes you “pretty uncomfortable”.

·       You said that he spends more time with her than with you.

·       You said that other people (i.e. restaurant servers) think that they are a couple.

·       You said he was turned towards her rather than you at the movie theatre.

·       You said you feel uncomfortable, worried, concerned, and out of place. 

To me, it seems like your emotions, intuition, and experiences are signaling that something is very wrong. 

You also know what to say. 

You have been asking your partner about this, repeatedly.  This is absolutely what should happen in a relationship when one partner feels the way you do about any circumstance.  You need to have an honest, open conversation where you both share your feelings and your needs.   

The problem is that your husband is not taking your concerns seriously. 

Every time he tells you that you’re “just being anxious” he’s invalidating you, minimizing his concerning behavior, and avoiding his acknowledgment of your emotions. 

Your spouse needs to prioritize your well-being. Your relationship with him is much more important than his relationship with his friend. 

One of the best parts of having a secure, loving, romantic relationship is knowing that our partner is our safe space and that they are there for us when we need them, most of the time. 

As human beings, who thrive off our close, intimate relationships, we need to be with someone who we can trust.   We must take our partner’s concerns seriously and do what is right for the relationship. 

It greatly concerns me that your spouse continues to disregard your discomfort, despite your repeated attempts to communicate it to him.  To me, this is a huge red flag. 

Also, as you mentioned, it is possible that this could turn into an affair if it hasn’t already. 

Most people don’t realize that there are often signs that one part of a couple is on the road to being unfaithful.

Normally, it starts with some sort of disconnect or discord in the relationship.  It could be that one of you is working all the time and you’re spending less time together, leaving one of you feeling lonely and hungry for connection.

It could be that one or both of you are storing up resentments rather than discussing them, leading one or both of you to confide in another person, which over time can turn into a romantic connection. 

It could be that a fair amount of negativity has developed in the relationship, due to criticism, distrust, or ignored attempts to connect.  One of the spouses meets another person who seems to have more “positive” qualities than their spouse, or who makes them feel better, leading them into an affair with this other person.

Thus, an affair often starts as a friendship, which is fueled by some sort of disconnection in the partnership, before progressing into increasing levels of intimacy.  

You didn’t mention if there was a disconnect or any discord in your relationship that led to your spouse starting this friendship.  However, I encourage you to reflect on this as if there is, it will need to be explored and resolved, to help you two get back on track.  You may need the help of an experienced couple’s therapist to help you with this work.    

Now back to the situation at hand.

It’s possible that your husband is having an emotional affair.  An emotional affair means having nonsexual or emotional intimacy with someone, that matches the type of bond that would develop between romantic partners.  You mentioned their time spent together, the “friendship” and the body language in the movie theater, which could all be signs that this type of emotional intimacy has developed. 

Affairs often destroy marriages and the self-esteem, trust, and mental health of the non-cheating spouse.  Thus, under no conditions can an affair continue.   

Even if I’m wrong, and they are not having an affair, and they are not going to have an affair, this friend is threatening your relationship, so he needs to stop seeing her.   

I imagine that asking him for this may feel challenging, especially since he’s been so flippant with you so far.  So, here is an example of a script that you can use, to communicate this boundary clearly: 

I understand that you believe that you two are just friends.  Even so, your friendship with her is causing me huge emotional distress.  I feel very threatened by her, and as your wife, I need to be your priority.  Therefore, I need you to end this friendship, and I need us to work through what this has done to our marriage. 

It’s possible he’s going to push back, based on his behavior so far.  If he does, I encourage you to continue to repeat your boundary, until he gets the message.

If he refuses, we have a problem. 

We all need a spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner who can understand our emotions, meet our needs, and who will protect our relationship against external threats. 

We also need a partner who is committed to working through issues as they arise. 

If he won’t end the friendship, I worry that you do not have these essential elements and that your relationship won’t last.

In which case you may need to seriously consider ending the marriage. 

You could start by telling him that this is what you’re thinking.  An ultimatum in this case could be healthy.  You could say:

“If you don’t end this friendship and commit to us working through whatever has driven a wedge in our connection, I am leaving our marriage”. 

Of course, make sure you mean this if you’re going to say it, as you want people to take your boundaries seriously when you draw them.

I wish you all the support and understanding in the world as you figure out how to navigate this incredibly challenging time.  Feel free to reach back out with subsequent questions if you would like. 

Warmly,

Julia

Did you enjoy this blog?  Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life?  I post new answers to reader questions every Saturday at noon (EST) AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.