How Can I Have Unbelievable Sex…Every Time?
I had bad sex with my new girlfriend, so I broke up with her. Did I make a mistake?
Dear Julia,
I was seeing a great woman, and everything was going well until we slept together. The sex was terrible. I ended up breaking up with her over it, and I could tell that I really hurt her. Now I’m regretting my decision. But how can I date someone that I have bad sex with?
Dear Reader,
I can imagine that you’re feeling quite rattled by the situation you have gotten yourself into. I understand that you really liked this woman, but then decided to end your relationship after you had disappointing sex one time.
While satisfying sex (for most people) is an essential part of a fulfilling relationship, one assumption that many people make is that if the sex is not great right off the bat, then it’s not going to get any better.
Fortunately, this is not true.
Contrary to what we have been led to believe in our society, hot sex comes from the emotional connection that we have with our partner.
You may notice that this is very different than what our mainstream culture has been doing. We have been led to believe that hookups, casual romances, and not caring very much about the people that we sleep with are normal.
When we consider how many people use dating apps to find hookups, and how many people are reluctant to commit to long-term relationships or end relationships rather than working through conflict, we see that as a society, many of us do not realize what we should be doing things differently when it comes to love and romance.
But in fact, our commonly casual approach to relationships goes against our basic human needs for love and connection.
Stable, loving relationships are essential for our happiness and well-being. Research has found that this extends to our sexual gratification as well, as hot sex is often the product of having a secure attachment with our partner.
A secure attachment comes from a strong emotional connection, meaning that you each listen to and understand one another, are both able to be open, vulnerable, and trusting, and show up for each other when needed, both in and out of the bedroom.
I also want to add that healthy, happy relationships are created, not found. This is another common misconception in the dating world.
If you’re open, warm, and understanding with one another, an emotional connection is likely to develop over time. Once you learn that you can trust and rely on each other, provide each other support during hard times, and enjoy each other’s company, your connection will develop, which will nourish your sex life.
Keep in mind that no partner will be perfect, there will be times when you don’t feel heard, or supported, or the trust slips. This is normal. Relationships are full of discord, both big and small.
However, as your relationship progresses at an emotional level, the sexual excitement and desire will as well.
Another important point is that we need to communicate during sex, and this may mean that you coach or give feedback to your partner so that they can understand how to please you, and so you understand what they want as well.
Did you consider that perhaps the sex was bad because you weren’t able to do what she wanted and needed?
Sex gets better when you can tell your partner what you like or don’t like, and find out the same from them.
What could you have asked this woman for that may have improved the sexual experience you had with her?
To answer your question, you may have been a bit too quick to jump to the dump. Your sex life could likely have gotten much better. It may be worth reaching out to her to explain yourself, apologize, and see if she wants to give it another try. If not, hopefully, this information will help you in your search for simple healthy love.
Warmly,
Julia
P.S. Did you enjoy this blog? Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life? I post new answers to reader questions each Saturday at Noon AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.