Should I Tell My Boyfriend That I Cheated On Him?
I broke up with my boyfriend after I cheated on him, and now we might get back together. Do I have to tell him about my infidelity?
Dear Julia,
I dated my boyfriend for three years. Overall, it was a good partnership. Of course, we would fight, and we didn’t always communicate clearly, but he’s very loving and tries his best to make me happy.
As for myself, I wasn’t as good to him as he was to me. I was constantly unhappy in the relationship, which only made him try harder to please me. This turned me off more. I stayed because I worried that I wouldn’t find anyone better. Even though he could be a bit smothering, I also knew that men like him are hard to find.
We ended up breaking up after a big fight one night. It was a fight that I started. The truth is, I had been cheating on him for a few weeks, and I didn’t want him to find out. I started a fight about nothing at all and took my out. I would hate to tell him that I was unfaithful as I know it would devastate him.
Now, he’s been begging me to get back together. He thinks we can work through our problems and honestly, I miss him a lot. The man who I cheated with has been really mean to me, and it’s helped me realize what a mistake I made.
My question for you is, can I get back with him without admitting to the infidelity? Can the relationship have a “fresh start” since we broke up? Maybe because we had the breakup and we are starting new again, I don’t have to tell him?
What do you think?
Dear Reader,
I understand that you were constantly unhappy in your three-year relationship and that you often felt “smothered” by your partner. I also heard that despite your unhappiness, you value your partner’s good qualities.
Rather than speaking to him about it, you responded to your unhappiness by being unfaithful, despite knowing that this would devastate your partner.
After your new relationship didn’t work out, you recognize how much you appreciate your old partner, especially since he’s been begging you to get back together.
I have some further questions for you:
What made you so unhappy in the relationship?
What makes you think that you would be happy in the relationship if you got back together?
What do you believe “starting new again” means?
What do you mean by “men like him”? What qualities are you talking about when you say this?
I’m wondering if, while you acknowledge that your ex-boyfriend was a good partner (despite his flaws) and that men like him are hard to find, your unhappiness could have been due to him not being the right person for you.
You stayed in the relationship because you worried you wouldn’t find anyone better. After all, he was loving and tried his best. However, despite him trying his best, it pushed you away further.
Then, you cheated on him and then lied by omission because you knew it would devastate him.
Now you want to get back together with him without admitting to your betrayal.
Perhaps it’s just the way that you have worded your question, but based on what you have reported, I’m wondering how much you care for and respect him.
If I’m right, then why do you want to get back together?
I know this sounds harsh, but I wonder if before we discuss your question about your infidelity, you first reflect deeply on this, to determine IF you should get back together.
Do you want to get back together because you believe you could have a happy, healthy partnership with him and be a trustworthy, loving girlfriend? Or is it tempting because your new relationship didn’t work out and this guy is a safe, secure option?
There could be a variety of other possibilities, and whatever they may be, I highly encourage you to get very clear on why you want to get back together with him. The bulleted questions I asked above will hopefully help you get started.
I also recommend that you consider the feelings and needs of your ex-boyfriend while you do this.
Your ex-boyfriend is deserving of a loving, committed girlfriend, so you must think about whether or not you're going to be able to fill this role.
If your reasons for reuniting are genuine and loving and you’re willing to work through the problems, then let’s proceed with answering your question.
You asked if you could get away with reuniting with your ex-boyfriend without telling him that you cheated.
My answer would be No. You can not.
You need to tell him that you were unfaithful, and I’m going to use research from Dr. John Gottman’s Book What Makes Love Last to help explain my answer.
Since you have (hopefully) decided that your reasons for getting back together are because you’re ready to be a committed, loving partner, you must also have high trust in your relationship.
Dr. Gottman has found that trust is the foundation of love, and of course, we can not have trust if we also have secrets.
Thus, if you want to have trust, you need to admit to having cheated.
You will need to prepare yourself for his reaction and be ready to do what is needed to build back the trust, assuming he’s open to rebuilding once he knows about your infidelity. I can imagine he’s going to feel betrayed, furious, sad, and heartbroken, and it is possible that he won’t want to give you a second chance.
However, Dr. Gottman has found that recovery from infidelity is possible, but that the reasons for the infidelity need to be understood and addressed to truly heal as a couple and strengthen the relationship.
Normally cheating happens in a relationship when there is some type of disconnect. One partner may be repeatedly ignored while trying to get attention, or problems are not being worked through which leads to the accumulation of resentment and anger. What could have happened between you two is that you didn’t communicate your unhappiness to your partner, perhaps to avoid conflict, which led to you looking elsewhere for what you were missing in your relationship.
This work won’t be easy to do, and I highly recommend seeking a skilled Gottman or Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy clinician to get you both through it.
To summarize, the only way that you’re going to truly be able to have a fresh start is if you admit to the infidelity, work through what led to you cheating in the relationship, and then do the work necessary to gain your partner’s trust back.
It’s unlikely to be an easy road, but if you take advantage of the opportunity for growth and healing that it will provide you, you and your partner are likely to come out stronger.
Warmly,
Julia
P.S. Did you enjoy this blog? Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life? I post new answers to reader questions each Saturday at Noon AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.