How to Fight When You’re Married
How do I make my husband take the baby as soon as he gets home from work?
Dear Julia,
I’m so frustrated. My husband and I have an 8-month-old baby. I’m at home on mat leave and he’s at work Monday to Friday. I’m absolutely exhausted by the end of the day and need him to take the baby when he gets home. However, as soon as he comes home, he goes to the bathroom for at least 30 minutes – to play on his phone and avoid us.
This feels so infuriating like he doesn’t understand how hard it is for me to be with the baby all day. How do I get him to stop doing this? When I talk to him about it, he goes on and on about how tired he is from his workday, and how much stress he’s under. He claims he needs to decompress from his workday and doesn’t understand that I need a break from the baby. How do I get him to change?
Dear Frustrated,
I can certainly empathize with your situation. Being at home all day with a new baby is exhausting, and I’m sure that you’re deserving of a break when your husband gets home.
However, I can also see your husband’s point of view. Working (likely with a commute) is hard, and he is also exhausted and deserving of a break when he gets home from work.
Rather than trying to get him to change, I wonder if you could each focus on understanding how one another is feeling so that you can decide together how to resolve this conflict.
Couples need to develop a way to work through conflict and repair the ruptures that inevitably surface in an intimate relationship. A couple’s ability to “fight well” will also strengthen their connection, and make it easier for you to bring up issues as they arise.
One essential element to focus on when working through conflict with anyone is trying to understand the other person. This is because feeling understood is an overlooked but essential human need.
Feeling understood makes us feel cared for, important, and safe. This is especially important when it comes to our romantic partners, who often become the most important person in our lives.
While it can be challenging during an argument to focus on understanding the other person as we are often intent on making our point, feeling understood on its own can diffuse tension and conflict for both parties.
Of course, we need the other person to understand us as well. What you are aiming for is a calm, open conversation about the experience, feelings, and needs of both parties, before deciding as a team how to resolve the problem.
If you can’t agree on how to resolve the problem, feeling understood by your partner (and understanding them) is often enough to diffuse tension and move forward.
To get started, decide who will be the speaker and who will be the listener. You will switch back and forth until you’re both satisfied with the outcome and decide how to resolve the issue.
As the speaker, keep your explanation brief. You want to communicate your main points, which may include your understanding of what happened, and how you feel about it.
As the listener, your role is to listen without interrupting your partner as they share their version of the story.
If you feel the urge to debate or defend yourself, wait until it’s your turn to talk and share it then (gently and kindly!)
Here is the breakdown of what this could look like in practice:
Choose who will start as the speaker, who will then share their interpretation of the event and how they feel about it. “I’m exhausted after spending the whole day with the baby and don’t understand why you can’t take her when you get home”.
As the listener, understand and validate your partner’s point of view. Try repeating back to them what they said in your own words so that they can check that you understood: “I hear you saying that caring for the baby is exhausting you and you aren’t sure of why I can’t take her off your hands as soon as I walk through the door – is that right?” If you don’t understand, allow them to correct you and then try again until you get it right.
As the listener, express empathy for your partner’s feelings: “I had no idea how exhausted you are from work every day” or “I didn’t know that you’re resentful of me not spending enough time with the baby.”
Then change roles – whoever was the listener is now the speaker, and vice versa, and repeat steps 1- 3.
It may look simple, but like most things in life, it’s more difficult when you try it out. If you’re not used to communicating this way, it will take practice to get it right and have it feel natural. Here are some further guidelines for you:
Often, we assume that the person we are having conflict with is wrong. However, there are often two truths or realities to every story. Try being more accepting of your partner’s truth to develop more empathy and understanding.
Defensiveness and counterattacks will only make the conflict worse and potentially do irreversible damage to your relationship. If you are feeling too heated to listen to your partner, take a break, calm down, and then try again later.
The likelihood is that each person is contributing to a part of this issue. Where can you take some responsibility? Taking responsibility will help your partner see your desire to work through the conflict and thus increase trust in your relationship.
Once you each understand your position, you can go back and forth with possible solutions.
In this case, a possible solution could be that your husband gets 30-60 minutes of alone time once he arrives home, so he can change, eat, and then be ready for the baby.
Another possible solution could be you hire help for a few hours a day to support you at home, leaving you feeling less exhausted by the end of the day.
To arrive at such a solution, use the same method as above to hash out what you think could work. The speaker will present a possible solution, the listener will confirm their understanding, and then once you have switched roles, the new speaker will respond to the suggestion with their thoughts and opinions. Continue this until you have reached an agreement on how to proceed.
It is possible that this style of communication will be too much for you two to learn on your own, or that you’re having other difficulties in how you communicate and resolve conflict with one another.
If this is the case, I recommend couples therapy. Some different styles of couples therapy that you could try are Imago Couples Counselling, Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy, or The Gottman Method. These are researched-backed methods that can help you and your spouse learn new relational skills, understand one another, manage childhood wounds that surface in your relationship, and more.
Related Post Can I Love Someone Who Makes Me Miserable
I wish you luck as you learn this new time of communicating with your partner. Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, making it essential for it to be dealt with in a way that helps the couple grow, rather than chip away at your bond.
If you and your partner take the time to listen to and understand one another, prior to agreeing on a solution, you will find conflict much easier to deal with.
Once you get in the habit of working through your conflicts in a healthy way, your relationship will thrive as a result.
Also, feel free to check out this Related Post How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship
Good luck!
P.S. Did you enjoy this blog? Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life? I post new answers to reader questions every Saturday at noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.