What to do When you Feel Ignored in your Relationship
My boyfriend doesn’t like to spend time with me. Does this mean he has an avoidant attachment style?
I have been with my partner for 3 years now and we moved in together about a year ago. Overall, I love him a lot, but I often feel like we do not spend enough time together. I hoped that this would change when we moved in but it didn’t. When he is home, he is often busy playing video games or watching TV. Several nights a week, he is out with his friends. I have asked him so many times for us to spend more time together, but he tells me that living together and watching TV together is enough for him and doesn’t understand why I’m so needy. I feel so unhappy and ignored in our relationship, but I don’t want to break up. I have been reading up on Attachment Theory and have been wondering if he may have an avoidant attachment style. What do you think? If he is avoidant, what do I do?
Dear ignored,
Wow, this must be such a difficult spot for you to be in, and I wonder if it feels like you’re in two minds about it? One could be that you love him and want to stay in your relationship, and the other could be that you recognize that you’re unhappy as he’s not meeting your needs for connection and intimacy. Either way, I can imagine that you must feel quite conflicted, especially since it’s normal for us to want our relationships to work out when we have already invested so much time into it.
While I don’t have enough information to support the idea that he may be avoidant, the tendency for a partner to avoid spending time together could be a sign of an Avoidant Attachment Style. It is important to note that there are a variety of characteristics that make up a person’s attachment style, and while they may have one or two avoidant qualities, that doesn’t mean that they are fully avoidant.
For anyone who isn’t already knowledgeable about what an Avoidant Attachment Style means, it’s one of the four main Attachment Styles that result from the way a caregiver interacts and cares for their child, right from birth and beyond. These categories are generally referred to as Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized and a basic understanding is as follows:
The Secure Attachment Style is what we are all capable of having and deserving of, and it means that a person feels comfortable both being connected to others and while on their own. A securely attached person easily trusts others, enjoys intimacy, and sees the world as an overall safe place. This is generally due to the caregivers attending to the person’s emotional, physical, and psychological needs, from infancy through to adulthood.
An Anxiously Attached person likely had caregivers who were not consistently available. They may have provided decent enough care when they were attending to the child, but it was either too inconsistent or lacking one area (i.e., sufficient physical care but inconsistent or damaging emotional care) for them to develop Secure Attachment. As adults, people with Anxious Attachment often worry about being loved and being left.
A person with an Avoidant Attachment Style typically had parents who didn’t bother with them too much. The child may not have been held enough, may not have had much or any quality emotional care, or may have been criticized or rejected by the parents. As adults, they are normally more comfortable on their own, reluctant to ask for connection or closeness, as they likely learned that others can’t meet their needs.
Disorganized Attachment is a combination of the Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles, and often develops due to the primary caregiver being a source of danger. This could be due to addictions, or untreated mental health problems, but other reasons exist as well. The child needs to feel safe and secure in their relationship with their parent, but instead, the parent is unavailable, frightening, or unable to help the child regulate their emotions. The result is an adult who will vacillate between avoidant and anxious behaviors, as explained above.
Regarding your being “too needy”. If we consider the bond that is intended to develop between two intimate partners, we expect to see an emotional connection that includes quality time spent together. While from time to time this may include watching a movie together, you need frequent, consistent experiences of emotional connection in your relationship for you both to have your intimacy and attachment needs met. This means that you are talking to one another, supporting one another, listening to each other talk about what is important to you, knowing what is happening in each other’s lives, etc. I sense that you are missing this emotional connection, or at least enough of an emotional connection to meet your attachment needs. Therefore, asking to spend more time with your partner who does not want to spend much time with you does NOT mean that you’re too needy.
We need frequent, consistent experiences of emotional connection in our relationships in order for our intimacy and attachment needs to be met
If he does refuse to change, you need to be honest with yourself and decide if you can be happy in a relationship with a partner who will not spend the time with you that you need to feel satisfied and loved. If you can’t feel satisfied and loved in your relationship, then I strongly suggest that you consider ending the relationship.
In my opinion, it is not possible to have a simple, healthy relationship with a partner who can’t love you the way that you need them to, or with a partner who can’t work through conflict. You need both of these things. A simple, healthy, loving relationship is what you and everyone else deserve. Please don’t settle for less.
P.S. Did you enjoy this blog? Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life? I post new answers to reader questions each Saturday at Noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.