How To Break A Trauma Bond

My girlfriend used to be fun, sweet and beautiful. Now she’s emotionally abusive but I can’t seem to leave the relationship

Dear Julia,

I have been with my girlfriend for five years now.  When we first started dating, we had a lot of fun together.  Dates, trips, inside jokes, etc.  We talked about everything.  She was sweet, beautiful and smart.  I fell in love with her fast. 

Now that we are five years in, I’m noticing how much things have changed.  She’s gotten progressively angrier and meaner over the years, and we fight constantly.  I’m often hurt and stressed by her behaviours, but she doesn’t seem to care.  When I talk to her about it, somehow it always feels like it’s my fault.  She never apologizes for the insults or criticisms she throws my way. 

We hardly ever have fun anymore, and I know I need to get out.  The problem is, I just can’t seem to leave.  I don’t understand how things changed so much, and I keep hoping that things will return to the way they were.  I’m so confused.  How do I get out? Do I get out?

Dear Reader,

Oh, the heartbreak you must be feeling.  Experiencing a wonderfully fulfilling relationship disintegrating in front of your eyes is always a demoralizing process. 

Unfortunately, the insults, meanness, and criticisms that she can’t apologize for are forms of emotional abuse.  This is unacceptable behavior that you are not responsible for and should not be tolerated. 

However, it can be very difficult for those with abusive partners to leave, even when they know they should.  What may be happening, and thus what’s keeping you from leaving, could be a trauma bond.  I’m suggesting this because you are feeling stuck in a relationship that has become increasingly emotionally abusive over the years and barely resembles the initial conditions of fun, connection, and time spent together. 

A trauma bond is created when chaos, anger, emotional abuse, or whatever type of unhealthy behaviors become mixed together with the love that is shown.  The love could be the fun, the companionship, the intimacy, or whatever else.  Because of the frequency and presence of the unhealthy behaviors, you start to feel that they are love too. 

You also end up with an emotional attachment that’s being formed under the conditions of intermittent reinforcement.  Sometimes things are good, sometimes they are bad, but you get really hooked on the good.  

This method of attaching is beyond our conscious control or awareness in most cases.  There may be one good day of fun and connection and nine days that are full of fights, insults, and criticisms, but your natural desire for attachment will overfocus on the good days. 

To help you understand intermittent reinforcement think of a slot machine, that hooks players because they don’t know when the next win is coming.  It may be in five pulls or one hundred pulls.  However, once the player finally wins again, the inconsistent reward makes this setup powerful and addictive.   They want to keep playing until they get the next win, and the cycle repeats itself.

In a relationship when you experience periodic fun or other enjoyable times with your girlfriend, it’s the same as winning at slots, and it makes you want to keep playing.

Of course, these randomly timed wins also lead a person to hope to win the jackpot.  You mentioned wishing that things would return to normal, and I want to note how normal of a desire that is.  You built a life with this woman; you feel an attachment and connection to her.  Of course, you want things to return to normal.  In your case, if your girlfriend was to return to her old self, that would be your jackpot.  This is why you keep playing the slot machine.  

You said yourself that you still have some moments of fun.  Even though their frequency and length have greatly reduced over time, those moments of fun are likely what’s keeping you stuck. 

Unfortunately, your girlfriend isn’t going to return to who she was, and giving up that hope that she will is the first step in getting yourself out of a trauma bond.

You asked me if you should get out, and if so how.  My answer is: you need to get out.  She’s emotionally abusing you and isn’t willing to take accountability or change.  How you do it is below. 

Give up the hope that they will change.  You described your girlfriend as mean, critical, unapologetic, and unwilling to take accountability.  Regardless of how sweet and intelligent she used to be, this is who she is now.  Focus on the reality of now rather than the sweet memories of the past.

End the relationship.  It’s impossible to have a simple healthy relationship with someone who frequently displays the qualities that you described.   You need to end the relationship.  If you’re not sure how to break up with someone this post may give you some insight.

Set Clear Boundaries.  This means with her and with yourself.  What boundaries feel right for you?  Some suggestions are, do not stay in touch (unless you are co-parenting, etc.).  This could include removing her from your social media and perhaps deleting her number from your phone.  Once you have formalized the breakup, do not see her anymore.  Ask her to respect this and if she won’t stick to it, screen her phone calls and decline any invitations she may extend for you two to get together.

Know that this isn’t your fault.  Often people who get stuck in trauma-bonded relationships will believe in one way or another that they are to blame for the abuse.  If you believe that the abuse is your fault it helps you feel like you’re in control and that things can change.  However, this is never the case.  The victim is never responsible for the behavior of an abuser.  Period.  

Face your feelings and grieve the loss.  You will have many difficult emotions surface with this process and will likely need the help of a professional to get through it.  If you do choose to hire a professional, I encourage you to pick a therapist who specializes in abusive relationship recovery.

Notice your strength.  It’s amazing that you’re getting yourself out of a really difficult situation and facing all of the accompanying fallout.  Keep going and keep track of how well you’re doing.

Decide on your new, better future.  Once you get to a point where you can see the forest for the trees, you can take some time to review some of the warning signs that you initially missed because you didn’t know any better.  You can reflect on the type of behaviors that you’re not willing to put up with again.  You can dream up the next woman who you will be committed to and what she’s like so that you know when you find her. 

I hope these seven steps help you end your five-year relationship in the easiest way possible.  I wish you luck as you move through the breakup and into the next chapter of your life. 

Warmly,

Julia

P.S. Did you enjoy this blog?  Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life?  I post new answers to reader questions every Saturday at noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE. 

 Please note that reader questions may be edited for length or clarity.