How to Manage Triggers While You’re on a Romantic Vacation

How do my boyfriend and I manage our quirks so we don’t drive each other crazy on our one week vacation?

Dear Julia,

I have been dating my boyfriend for a few months now and we just decided to take a one-week vacation to Barbados.  I’m excited to spend more time with him but know that I have a lot of quirks that are likely to come up on the trip.  For example, I get overstimulated easily and need alone time after to recalibrate before I can be social again.  I also like a lot of time to get ready in the mornings, and I know he’s more of a get-up-and-go type of guy.

Of course, he has his quirks too.  He gets annoyed when people don’t understand him and sometimes raises his voice if he doesn’t think I’m listening to him.  To be honest I find these quirks a bit unsettling and am a bit worried about us being together, sharing one room and spending 24 hours a day together for a whole week. 

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a wonderful man and I’m very happy to be in a relationship with him.  But how do we manage these quirks so that we can enjoy our vacation to the fullest?

Dear Reader,

Congratulations on your new relationship taking another step towards further commitment and intimacy.  Going on a vacation is a wonderful way to get to know one another on a deeper level while enjoying each other’s company. 

I’m also proud of your proactivity and insight.  It’s smart of you to think and plan how to manage the quirks that you both have to ensure a smooth and enjoyable vacation.

To get us started on the answer, I wonder if these quicks result from unhealed childhood wounds and their resulting triggers. 

It’s important to understand that we all have triggers.  No one comes out of childhood unscathed, and we inevitably harm each other as humans, even when we don’t mean to. 

When a person experiences some form of childhood trauma, either from abuse or neglect, etc., and they haven’t sufficiently resolved this trauma, it will continue to show itself in their everyday life. 

As a population, humans are not as good as we could be at taking accountability, showing empathy, and repairing ruptures.  This can intensify our pain and take away opportunities for repair. 

Thus, we all accumulate hurts and wounds throughout our lives that show up when we least want them, like on our vacations.

For example, if a child is often left alone because their parent is often absent, this child may learn that they are a burden.   If left untreated, this negative belief and the resulting emotions will still feel true well into adulthood and will dictate their behaviours.  Then the trigger may look like this:   

This person is in a romantic relationship and their partner goes away on business, which results in the person feeling unworthy, just as they did in childhood, in response to their absent parent. 

Essentially, the person is triggered by the absence caused by the business trip, because it reminds them of when their parent was regularly unavailable. 

Even though the partner still loves them and is required to travel for work, the circumstances feel the same to the unhealed person and their belief and emotions of being a burden are evoked.  

Their resulting behaviours could be to become distant themselves, as they do not want to be perceived as a burden but also believe it to be true. 

To bring this back to your question, it sounds like you both have triggers. You are triggered by feelings of overwhelm which leads you to need quiet time to re-regulate, and you dislike being rushed when you’re getting ready.  I am guessing that if you think back to childhood, these behaviours and needs originated from something you weren’t getting. 

Similarly, your partner may have a history of feeling unheard, unseen, or misunderstood, based on his tendency to raise his voice. 

So, the solution to your problem and the way to prepare for your vacation is for the two of you to have a deep, open, vulnerable conversation about these triggers. 

This will include where they came from, how you felt about it at the time, and most importantly, how you can support each other as partners when either of you is feeling triggered.  You could use this format if you’re unsure of how to do this.

Discussing how to support each other while we’re triggered is the most important part.  It’s essential for us to understand our partner’s triggers so that we can avoid triggering them and soothe them when they are upset.

Some examples of how to support each other while we are triggered could look like this:

1.       You are easily overstimulated, so you ask your partner to hold your hand while you’re in crowds or other triggering environments.  You could also communicate to your partner that you need some time alone to calm down after feeling overstimulated and that you will come back when you’re ready. 

2.       You know that your partner has a history of feeling unheard, so if you notice he’s trying to talk to you, but you can’t pay attention right away, let him know that you just need x amount of time before you’re able to give him your full attention.

3.       You are triggered by feeling rushed, so you are open with your partner about this.  You ask him to give you X amount of time to get ready in the morning, uninterrupted, so that you can do what you need.  This communication also gives him a chance to organize his morning accordingly. 

It’s up to the person with the trigger to decide what they need to help them feel soothed and regulated.  These were just some suggestions to get you started.

Keep in mind, that we will trigger each other in our relationships, no matter how healthy the relationship is.  That’s why it’s so essential for us to know how to repair and soothe each other while we are upset. 

Start this conversation well before you go away.  Set aside some time, perhaps an hour or more depending on how much detail you may get into, and be warm and open with each other.  Be aware that it may be a conversation that evolves over time as you are both likely to discover more of your own and each other’s triggers and sensitivities.

I hope that gives you a jumping off point to have a fabulous vacation.

Warmly,

Julia

P.S. Did you enjoy this blog?  Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life?  I post new answers to reader questions every Saturday at noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE. 

Please note that reader questions may be edited for length or clarity.