How to Use Porn In Your Relationship
I found out that my new boyfriend watches a lot of porn. Is this okay?
Dear Julia,
I’m in a new relationship and have just started spending nights with my partner. It’s happened a few times now, where I doze off before he does, and I wake up to find him watching porn. I know watching porn is normal, but when I asked him more about it, he told me that he does it a lot. I’m not necessarily against this, but at the same time feel a bit uneasy about it. What do I do now?
Dear Reader,
Wow, that must have been quite the experience to wake up to, especially since it happened more than once. I’m glad to hear that you felt comfortable enough in your relationship to talk about it and that your new partner was honest with you. However, as you said, what do you do now with what you know?
Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist, and researcher in the field of divorce prediction and marital stability, found that porn can be used to enhance the sexual experience with a partner¹.
I would imagine that if you’re in a secure relationship, with a partner whom you are safe enough with to communicate openly about how to use porn in your relationship and how the use of porn is affecting your relationship, it could be enjoyed.
However, Dr. Gottman’s research does outline many other considerations when it comes to porn use, whether you’re in a relationship or not. In his book, What Makes Love Last, Dr. Gottman explains that when porn is used solo, it normally leads to a dismissal of connection and emotion, which are both essential qualities in a happy, healthy relationship.
Dr. Gottman goes on to explain that when a man orgasms to porn images, he’s creating a connection with the image, leading him to feel attached to it. Furthermore, the greater the orgasm, the more attachment hormones are secreted, which can lower the erotic interest he has in his partner as a result¹.
Porn use can also be a gateway to cheating, as the porn user may transition from watching porn to meeting others online who enjoy the same types of porn, before deciding to meet in real life¹.
It can be common for porn users to expect their partner to behave like the porn actors, as the porn user can become unable to become turned out without it. However, since a lot of porn is about power and control, acting out scenes can be traumatic, triggering, and humiliating for the partner¹.
How are you feeling after reading this psychoeducation? Based on the conversations you’ve had with your partner so far, do you think that you two could enjoy porn as a way to enhance your sexual experience, or are the potential risks causing you doubt and apprehension?
Either way, could you use the points above to discuss the porn use with your partner, to increase the vulnerability and intimacy in your budding relationship?
Could you ask him further questions about why he’s watching it so much, how it benefits him, and how he thinks it may impact your relationship? As a therapist, I’m curious to know how porn use has impacted his previous relationships (if at all) and what he believes would happen if he were to stop or cut back.
Of course, I encourage you to consider your feelings after reading my response, and after the conversation that you may have with him. Once you’re clear on your feelings, I encourage you to share them with your partner.
You may also want to check this post where I explain how to have a healthy talk about anything in your relationship.
If after you reflect further, and/or have the conversation, you decide that his porn use is a deal breaker for you then that’s okay too.
Good luck with whatever you decide, and I hope to hear from you again soon.
Warmly,
Julia
P.S. Did you enjoy this blog? Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life? I post new answers to reader questions every Saturday at noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.
References:
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2012). What makes love last?: How to build trust and avoid betrayal. Simon and Schuster.