How To Find Your Husband When You Hate Online Dating

I hate online dating but am sick of being single. What do I do?

Dear Julia,

I HATE online dating.  I hate it so much that I want to shout it from the rooftops.  I can’t tell you enough about how frustrating it is. I have been doing it unsuccessfully for YEARS.   I get the worst matches, and the ones that seem okay often end up ghosting or breadcrumbing me.  I have tried what seems like allllll the dating sites, and it’s no different.  The matches are always pretty good at the beginning, but quite quickly they become awful.  It seems impossible to get a proper conversation going, and I don’t feel compatible with the people that I do match with. 

What do I do?  I have been single forever and want to settle down and get married.  I keep hearing that online dating is the best way to meet someone, but it’s not working for me.  Am I supposed to do it differently? HELP.

Dear Reader,

You are not the first person to tell me how horrible online dating it, and I have already been told about the exact same complaints that you shared. 

While online dating is a popular concept, with many people using these sites, it’s not the only way to meet someone, and it certainly may not be the best way. 

Some people will say that there are different, more effective ways of doing it, which may or may not be true.  However, for yourself, it’s not working, and I worry that you have gotten to a point of burnout where it’s impacting your beliefs about dating and finding love. 

Thus, I wonder if the best and most obvious solution for you would be to stop online dating.  

From how miserable you seem, I’m going to assume that this experience may be so awful that its reach is further than you realize. 

If you sit and reflect on it, how has your experience with online dating impacted you?  How is your mood both in general and towards dating?  From your message, you sound discouraged, burnt out, and hopeless.  These emotions in response to what you have described are legitimate, but they are also likely to be getting in your way of meeting someone.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post on the beliefs that we have about dating and ourselves, and how they can limit our chances of finding love. 

I would recommend that you check out that post as I wonder if your experiences with online dating have led you to accumulate some unhelpful negative beliefs.  If they have, I offer a few tips to work through it in that post. 

However, if you aren’t going online date, and you want to get married, you are going to have to find a new way to meet people, which means you’re going to have to meet people in real life. 

I know a lot of people will groan when they hear this, and that meeting people in person comes with its own set of challenges.

However, you do benefit by getting a better sense of a person when you meet them in person straight away, you don’t have to spend hours swiping through profiles without any reward, and if you get someone you know to set you up, you have more information and assurance since it’s a recommendation from someone who has your best interest at heart.

As a side note, I know how hard it is to meet people for some.  People are constantly looking at their phones, wearing headphones, or rushing from one place to another.   

However, you can still work on making eye contact with people you’re attracted to, to demonstrate interest.  You can practice your small talk skills so the next time you’re in the grocery store or a coffee shop, you can ask someone about the muffin they are eating or the type of pasta they chose. 

You can sit next to someone on the subway and ask them what they are reading, or ask someone at a concert hall to hold your spot while you go get another drink.

All these simple (and yes anxiety anxiety-provoking for most) moves demonstrate your interest and give the other person the invitation to engage in a conversation with you.

Therefore, this is a way to meet people, each time you leave your house.    

I know this guidance isn’t new or exciting, but there isn’t a state-of-the-art way of meeting a partner. 

Most people meet their spouses online, through friends, work, etc.

However, the more often you engage with other people, the faster you will meet someone who is a good fit for you. 

Dating is a numbers game, after all.

So, if you’re going to give up online dating, please don’t give up on dating altogether.  Figure out a way that you would enjoy meeting new people, and then figure out how to do that well.  

You said you want to get married.  Don’t lose sight of that goal.  You simply need to find a new way to get there.

You didn’t mention your age, but you may benefit from reading this post:

What to do When You’re 40 and Still Single

I wish you all the best as you decide on and create your new dating process. 

Warmly,

Julia

P.S. Did you enjoy this blog?  Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life?  I post new answers to reader questions every Saturday at noon (EST) AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.