What is Important In A Romantic Partner?

My boyfriend is attractive, ambitious, and funny, but he doesn’t want to spend time with me. What do I do?

Dear Julia,

I have been dating my boyfriend for a few months.  He’s great - smart, cute, funny, ambitious.  However, I find myself upset with him all the time.  While we spend a lot of time together, we are normally watching TV or playing on our phones.  I ask him for more – like going out for dinner or a walk, but he tells me I’m needy and seems to get angry with me.  This makes me even more upset. 

He is busy with work; he’s had a lot of important clients to attend to lately.  So things haven’t always been like this – it was better before, we spent more time together.  So, I’m not sure if I should wait to see if this passes?  Maybe it’s just work stress? I hope things will change; I don’t want to have to date again – I hate dating so much!  What should I do? 

Dear Reader,

First, what does “upset” mean? You said it several times.  Are you feeling ignored, discounted, minimized, or unimportant?   We must learn how to appropriately name our emotions. 

When we can properly name our emotions, it will help us understand our situation, which then tells us what we need.    

From my vantage point, you may feel all the things I mentioned, since it must feel like you’re in a relationship with a person who doesn’t want to spend quality time with you, which would mean your needs for attachment, bonding, and connection are not being regularly met.  No wonder you feel “upset”. 

However, I also encourage you to do your own reflection – how are you feeling in your relationship?  

Dating is an assessment, meaning that you are constantly learning about your partner, even after you have been with them for a while. 

Sometimes relationships start well and then something, like how they handle work stress or treat other people, shows you a different side of a person, which could cause you to question if they are the right partner for you. 

Is it possible that your boyfriend handles stress in a way that makes him angry or aloof? Could this suggest that he struggles with his emotional stability? Could this situation be a sign that the two of you struggle to resolve disagreements since he can’t give you the quality time that you continuously ask for?  It sure does seem like the effect he has on you is not one that you’re happy with, and from the way you describe it, his treatment of you sounds disrespectful.   

However, I don’t want to assume that this means the relationship is doomed or that your boyfriend can’t be a great partner.  When we have conflicts or strife in our relationships, it can be used as an opportunity to become stronger as a relational unit.   It can also be a way for us to get to know each other better.  

Since no relationship will exist without some conflict or unhappiness that occurs, it’s best to learn how to speak to your partner directly about what is going on.  If this is done with care, it will allow the couple to develop deeper intimacy.  You can try this format to give you a base of how to approach this discussion with him.  

His avoidance of spending time with you before telling you you’re needy is not okay.  While it is normal for one person’s needs to be more important than the other’s temporarily, this will shift back and forth between partners throughout the relationship.  However, his needs are not more important than yours on an ongoing basis, even if he’s struggling or stressed.  

Once you have reflected on how you feel and what you need, and communicated it warmly, he still may not be able to give it to you.  If this is the case, I encourage you to consider if this continues to be the right relationship for you.

Furthermore, you mentioned that he’s smart, cute, funny, and ambitious, but that overall he doesn’t want to spend time with you.  Work stress or not, spending time together is an essential part of an intimate partnership. 

There will always be stressors in our lives, and we do not want to get in the habit of pushing our partner away or neglecting the relationship while that’s happening.  Ideally, the benefits of being in a partnership will help us while we are stressed.  These benefits can include (but aren’t limited to) emotional support, companionship, and encouragement.  

We have a bad habit in our culture to focus on the “good on paper” characteristics – like looks, height, social status, etc. when choosing a romantic partner.  However, as you may be starting to see, these qualities have very little to do with a safe, fulfilling romantic partnership.

As you reflect on your partner’s overall characteristics and personality, does he have any of the following?

1.  Emotional Stability.  Overall, you want someone who makes your life easier.  What I mean by emotionally stable is someone who maintains their cool when your flight is delayed, when your kid is sick, when you have a flood in your house, or when your parent has a heart attack.  You need someone who makes these inevitable situations easier to work through, not someone who makes the situation harder to deal with, by being jealous, anxious, resentful, or angry on a regular basis. 

2.   Kindness. You need someone empathetic, patient, warm, and supportive.  How do they treat you and other people? How do you feel when you’re with them? 

3.   Loyalty & Committed.  You need someone who will show up for you when you need it.  Whether you’re dealing with an illness, an over-demanding boss, or just recovering from the flu.  You also need to believe that they continue to choose you to be their partner, that they have eyes only for you, and that you’re special to them.  

4.  Understanding.  When you speak to your partner, do they listen, ask you follow-up questions, and (if appropriate) help you find solutions that feel right for you?  Do you feel understood by them?

5.  The Ability to Work Through Conflict.  You will and should have fights in your relationship.  If you’re not fighting, this likely means that you’re not working through your issues - which means they are going to explode all over you later. 

So, please don’t worry about fighting.  What is actually important is how you fight.  You and your partner need to find a way to work through conflict that leaves you both feeling understood and satisfied with the result, most of the time.   

It's also important to note that some issues may not be solvable due to individual differences and preferences, i.e. you like to go out a lot and your partner likes to stay home, and neither of you wants to change that.  The key is to find a way to live with this difference.     

• This is a great place for you and your partner to create agreements.  How do you and your partner want to resolve conflict?  By having more calm, compassionate conversations, or perhaps you two enjoy something more heated and intense?  What are off limits while fighting (i.e., insults, criticisms, yelling?), and what is not?

• I recommend making the agreement that you can fight without breaking up.  I would imagine that this security will allow a lot of couples the opportunity to share things that have upset them that they wouldn’t have otherwise, which will ultimately lead to a stronger relationship.

6.  The Ability to Make Hard Decisions Together.   For any romantic partnership to work, it’s essential that you’re able to work through conflict or difficulties, even when it’s only one partner who is upset.  

What happens when you and your partner try to work through difficult (or even everyday) situations together? This could include getting lost while driving, traveling together, or having conflicting ideas about how to celebrate over the holidays.  It could also include how to stay connected in your relationship when one person is completely overwhelmed at work.  How do the two of you move through difficult times together?

What is coming up for you after reading this list?  Does it help to see what may be missing in your relationship?  Does it give you any insight into seeing things in a different way, or a way that could help you resolve things?

Lastly, you mentioned not wanting to break up as you don’t want to date again.  I caution you strongly against this way of thinking.  I know that dating can be disappointing, exhausting, and infuriating at times.  But please don’t use this as a reason to stay in a relationship that’s not meeting your needs. 

Consider this: if you’re 30 (for example), and you continue in this relationship and end up getting married, and this problem never changes, are you going to be happy for another 50 years of dealing with feeling upset and having your requests for quality time together denied? Will you be happy and satisfied if this situation doesn’t change?

You are much better off ending a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs to seek out one that does, despite how difficult dating can be, then staying in a relationship because you don’t want to date again. 

Who you choose as your spouse is one of the most important decisions you will make.  It will impact your finances, health, and happiness.  Take your time, identify your needs and ensure they are being met, and make sure you’re investing in someone who has the characteristics to create a harmonious relationship in the long run. 

I wish you luck with however you may choose to proceed.

Warmly,

Julia  

P.S. Did you enjoy this blog? Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life? I post new answers to reader questions each Saturday at Noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger here.