What to do When You’re 40 and Still Single
I’m 40 years old, single, and panicking. How do I maintain faith that I am going to find my partner?
Dear Julia,
I’m panicking. I’m 40, never married and very much want to find my person. I keep putting myself out there, only finding myself constantly disappointed and alone. I feel like I have been left out of some sort of club as it seems like when I look around, everyone has a partner but me. I worry that there is something wrong with me and I don’t feel like I have any control over my future. I try to stay positive, but it can be really hard when I’m just not meeting the type of person that I want. What do I do?
Dear Panicking,
I hear your distress, but you’re not alone in this. In fact, it’s kind of a cool place to be, and much more common than people realize. This isn’t to suggest that your feelings of disappointment, loneliness, and frustration aren’t valid. They absolutely are. However, contrary to what society tells us, being single at 40 doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you.
What I’m trying to explain is that you’re 40 and ready to meet a partner. You’re not currently recovering from choosing the wrong person when you were younger, stuck in a marriage that isn’t working, or afraid of commitment. While I’m not judging anyone who may be in any of those places in their life, as they are clearly learning and growing in the way that they need, I am saying that you are in a great position to get what you want.
You are in a place where you are ready and willing to receive, and all you must do is keep trying until the right person comes along. If you keep putting yourself out there if you keep working on your sense of self, your ability to give and receive intimacy, and your ability to be vulnerable, the right person will show up when it’s time.
This may still mean that you want to give up, and there may be times when continuing to try may feel impossible. However, rather than being burdened by this, could you reflect on what emotions are under them, for you to understand what you need in these moments? Could you use them to deepen your understanding and sense of self? Could these times of frustration and distress help move you forward in your journey to finding your partner?
Intimacy is about knowing who you are so that you and your partner can be fully transparent with one another. To have a healthy, happy, relationship we must understand our feelings, so we can understand who we are and what we need.
Once we know who we are, which includes our values, dealbreakers, needs, etc. we can decide if the person we are dating is the right fit for us. Once our sense of self develops, so does our confidence. This makes it easier for us to be ourselves when we commit to another person.
We also live in a society that has taught us to believe that we must partner up earlier in life, which is only true for some. In fact, George Blair-West explains in his Ted Talk, that the older you are when you get married, the lower your divorce rate. As Blair West explains, a person’s personality at 20 years old, is not the same as their personality at 50 years old.
However, Blair-West Explains that your personality at 30 years old is the same as your personality at 50 years old. So, when people partner up in their early 20s before their personality has finished developing, they are more likely to grow apart from their spouse over time. Therefore, it’s actually best you wait until you’re older to get married.
One of the most important decisions you make is who you choose as your life partner. It will impact your finances, your mental and physical health, your lifestyle, and your happiness.
If you want a family, you are choosing who you will influence, care for, and love your future children.
Please do not rush this decision. There is very little risk in waiting longer for the right person to come into your life. You can meet a great partner at any age. Take this time to keep getting to know yourself, and develop your interests, relationships, and self, and the right person will come along when it’s time.
I wish you all the best on this journey.
Warmly,
Julia
Some related reading that may be beneficial to you is:
How to Know If He’s a Great Catch
What to do When He’s Not Calling
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P.S. Did you enjoy this blog? Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life? I post new answers to reader questions every Saturday at noon (EST) AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.