What To Do When He’s Not Calling

Is it a problem that my new boyfriend never calls me, even though we have so much fun when we are together?

Dear Julia,

I’m so excited.  There is a guy who I have been friends with for a long time.  We went to school together, then went our separate ways but kept in touch on social media ever since.  I always had a crush on him and think that he did too.  A few months ago, I bumped into him, which led to us deciding to get drinks a few days later.  We have been out a few more times, and it’s been really fun.  We also opened up about our past relationship experiences, and he mentioned that he struggles with commitment.  This sounded like a red flag to me, but then he told me that he goes to therapy!  So that makes it okay, right? Anyways, we have been physically intimate, and I’m starting to REALLY like him. 

My one problem is that he hardly ever calls me.  We have been seeing each other for a couple of months now, and in between dates I rarely hear from him.  At first, I thought this was okay, as he told me straight away that he was just busy.  But now that some time has passed it’s starting to bother me.  I’m not sure if it’s a problem, because we have so much fun when we are together.  What do you think?

Dear bothered,

How disappointing.  After all this time, you finally get your chance with someone you had a crush on for years, you find out he likes you too, you enjoy his company, you’re intimate with him….and he can’t be bothered to stay connected to you in between dates with a simple action like a phone call.  Unfortunately, I do think this is a problem.     

How do we know it’s a problem?  Because it’s bothering you.  Your emotions are telling you that this is not sitting well with you.  By the way, which emotions exactly are coming up for you when you think of him not staying in touch in between dates?  May you feel forgotten, ignored, unimportant, sad, or anxious?

Understanding how we feel is incredibly important both in life and in our relationships.  This is because we need to understand how we feel, to know what we need.  If we don’t understand what we need, how are we going to know if we are with a partner who can fulfill our needs?

It sounds like what you are noticing is that you need a partner who will stay in touch between dates.  May I add how incredibly normal it is for you to want and need something like that?  Human beings are bonding machines – we need to be in regular contact with those who matter to us.  Throw in semi-regular physical intimacy which means our bonding hormones are involved, and our desire to attach and stay connected is even stronger. 

You mentioned that he’s admitted to being emotionally unavailable and that he’s in therapy.  First, let’s break down the whole “goes to therapy” thing.  I find that people hear “goes to therapy” and then make positive assumptions about how much work the person has actually done. 

Have you asked him any follow-up questions about this?  Do you know how long he’s been going, how frequently, what type of therapy he’s doing, and what he’s learned from it?  A person who attends therapy on a random or sporadic basis is unlikely to see the outcomes or growth of someone who attends weekly for several months or even years.  A client who goes to a therapist who just listens versus a therapist who holds a client accountable for their actions will yield very different results.  A client who did a few sessions to get through one life event may not have learned the skills to get through what is now coming up in their lives. 

When a new partner tells you that they go to therapy, and it feels appropriate, ask them about their experience.  This can be a great way to encourage vulnerability in a relationship, show someone that you accept their past struggles, and support their recovery.  It also helps you to understand what a person means when they say they “go to (or have gone to) therapy”. 

I’m wondering if this guy has a lot more therapeutic work to do.  I notice that he’s in therapy, but still is calling himself emotionally unavailable.  While it’s wonderful that he has this insight, and can admit to it, insight alone often isn’t enough to produce change. 

Furthermore, being emotionally unavailable (and whatever that means for each person) is unlikely to be a quick fix.  I do suspect that his “emotional unavailability” could have something to do with him not connecting with you between dates.   What I can tell you for sure is that you deserve a partner who is emotionally available and ready to commit.   

Now, let’s look at his “I’m too busy” excuse.  No one is too busy to make a quick phone call, meet for coffee, or have dinner with a person that they care about and want in their life.  Please do not accept this excuse from someone that you’re interested in establishing a relationship with. 

So, what do you do now?

You ask him for what you need.  You have already identified that you want to hear from him regularly, and how it makes you feel when you don’t.  Is there anything else that you need from him?  Perhaps sexual exclusivity, or some other form of commitment?  It could be more than reasonable to ask for this based on the amount of time you have spent with him so far. 

Unfortunately, when we ask a person for what we need, we must prepare ourselves for the possibility that they can’t or won’t give it to us.  It will hurt, but the fear of this pain can not be the reason that you avoid asking the question.  Consider how you may feel if time goes on with this person and you continue as is.  It will be worse.  Do it now.    

I wish you the best of luck as you decide how to navigate this issue. 

Warmly,

Julia

P.S. Did you enjoy this blog?  Would you like to have more simple, healthy love in your life?  I post new answers to reader questions each Saturday at Noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.