How to Recover After Your Spouse Was Unfaithful
I’m worried that I will be blamed for my husband’s infidelity. What should I do?
Dear Julia,
I just discovered that my spouse has been cheating on me. I’m devastated. He doesn’t even know that I know yet. I don’t know what to do with this information, but since I found out I have been feeling really depressed, wondering what I did wrong, and if I want to continue our relationship. I worry that if I bring it up, he will tell me that I’m overreacting, deny it, or tell me I’m crazy. I worry that I’m going to be blamed for it, that it will be swept under the rug, or that it will keep happening. What do I do?
Dear Reader,
Wow, that is absolutely heartbreaking. Spousal infidelity is a serious offense that is obviously devastating. You mentioned feeling depressed, which in this case is very normal. Infidelity can be so demoralizing that it can result in serious mental health symptoms. Please don’t think that you must go through this alone. You need to talk to someone. Do you have any trusted friends or family members to discuss this with?
In addition, I would also recommend finding your own therapist, to help you process what has happened. Your questions like what you did wrong and if you want to continue the relationship are so valid and best worked through with a skilled mental health professional. Humans are not meant to heal in isolation, we need the support and guidance of trusted, competent others.
And while I also mention it below, I want it to be abundantly clear that your husband’s choice to have an affair was not your fault, no matter what happened in your marriage leading up to it.
One of my favorite resources for couples counseling is anything by John Gottman. Not only does he write books, but he’s trained a whole group of therapists on how to best support couples based on his research findings.
Here is a link to Gottman Trained Therapists if you’re unsure of where to start https://www.gottman.com/couples/find-a-therapist/. You can use a Gottman-trained therapist for individual or couples counseling.
If you do decide that you would like to work through the infidelity, the book What Makes Love Last, by Dr. John Gottman details his “trust revival method”, which includes five ways to help you recover from infidelity:
The cheating partner must stop the affair, if not done already.
The cheating partner must take all the blame.
The cheating partner must divulge details of the affair, including why they chose the person that they did, how it began, where they met, etc. However, do not listen to any details about the sexual activity, as it is too painful.
The recovering spouse will need full access to all of the proof that they desire to ensure that the affair is not ongoing. This can include phone records, credit card receipts, etc.
The straying spouse will need to stay away from the person with whom they had the affair, as well as all of places that were used to meet.
Hopefully, these research-based recommendations give you some reassurance and answers to your questions. Even with these points, recovering from infidelity and rebuilding your relationship is going to be a painful and difficult process.
As the betrayed spouse, you may be tempted to forgo this process and sweep it all under the rug. However, this choice is likely to breed further relationship turmoil, which could include a lack of trust, intimacy, and resentment. Therefore, I believe the only option is to tell him that you know about the affair and share with him how you want to proceed.
I will always encourage my readers to make choices that will serve their relationship in the long run, but that often requires doing the hard work upfront so that you can reap the rewards later.
It is possible to recover from infidelity. Suppose you’re both open to working through what happened, which will likely involve the expertise and compassion of an experienced couples therapist. In that case, there is a reasonably good chance that you will recover.
If you are interested in pursuing therapy to help work through the aftermath of an affair, Dr. Gottman has some pointers to consider when trying out different therapists. He recommends that you avoid a therapist who uses any of the following approaches:
A therapist who doesn’t believe it is important to discuss the affair.
A therapist who believes that both partners are responsible. Even if the affair happened during a trying time where you both made mistakes, the cheated-on spouse is not responsible for the unfaithful spouse’s decision to have an affair.
That certain types of affairs are more serious than others (i.e. if the affair was a one-night stand, it shouldn’t hurt as much). This is not true. All affairs cause pain and suffering.
Dr. Gottman’s research-based recommendations for infidelity recovery are comforting and reassuring. We live in a society that often expects people to “just get over”, and it seems like adequate, supportive, validating information regarding the recovery from infidelity is hard to find.
You also mentioned worrying this is your fault, that you’re overreacting, or that you will be blamed. You shared your fears regarding how your spouse will react to your knowledge of the affair.
If your spouse tells you that you’re overreacting, wrong, or crazy, I want you to note these as very red flags.
Your spouse needs to take accountability for his actions. A healthy reaction could combine embarrassment, sadness, and/or remorse. He needs to sincerely apologize for the harm he’s done to your marriage, for breaking your marital vows, and for causing you a world of pain.
If this isn’t what happens, meaning he does blame you for it, if it keeps happening, or if he sweeps it under the rug, I strongly suggest you consider ending the marriage. The damage that that type of relationship and home environment will do to your health and self-esteem is likely not worth staying.
I hope reading this post was validating and supportive. Whatever you‘re feeling right now is very likely a normal reaction to an excruciating situation. You are fully within your rights to leave this relationship if that’s the choice that feels right for you.
You may also find the following posts helpful:
Should I Tell My Boyfriend that I Cheated on Him?
What do I do When I’m the Third Wheel in My Marriage?
I wish you all the insight, strength, and reflection you need as you move through this incredibly challenging time.
Warmly,
Julia
P.S. Did you enjoy this blog? Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life? I post new answers to reader questions each Saturday at Noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.
Also, you can get a copy of Dr. Gottman’s book What Makes Love Last HERE
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2012). What makes love last?: How to build trust and avoid betrayal. Simon and Schuster.