What To Do If Your Girlfriend Won’t Respect Your Boundaries

My girlfriend is worried I will cheat on her so she won’t stop going through my phone. How do I make her stop?

Dear Julia,

My girlfriend is driving me crazy.  She constantly goes through my phone and just won’t stop.  I have asked her so many times to stop.  We have talked about why she does it (she’s worried I’m cheating on her).  I have reassured her time and time again that I’m not (and I mean that, I am NOT cheating on her, nor do I plan to).  Despite this, she just can’t seem to stop.

What’s bothering me the most is how she keeps doing it even though I ask her not to.  I think you therapists call this a boundary.  She won’t respect my boundaries!  We now have a pattern, I catch her going through my phone, and I get super angry because I feel so disrespected (and seriously just don’t understand what’s going on or how to stop it).  I tell her to stop, she cries, tells me she’s sorry….and then a few days later she’s right back at it.

Freaken Help Me PLEASE.

Dear Reader,

I can hear your desperation coming through in your letter, which makes perfect sense.  The invasion of your privacy and disrespect of your boundaries would drive most people up the wall. 

Not to worry, I have a couple of options for you to consider. 

You mentioned that while you understand her fear of you cheating on her is driving her to compulsively check your phone, you also said that you “seriously just don’t understand what’s going on”. 

Often, a relationship problem can be settled when both people take the time to truly listen to, and understand, the other party.  Even if there isn’t an agreement regarding how to proceed, feeling understood can be enough for both people to feel resolved.

I wonder what could happen if the two of you sat down to discuss this, and you gave her the space to share why she is worried that you’re going to cheat on her?  

This will likely be a vulnerable place for her to be, as it’s likely that this behavior is rooted in a traumatic experience or attachment wounding.  You want her to feel comfortable opening up to you about her past and how it’s influencing her behavior now. 

I know that you’re at your wits end with the stress that this is causing you.  However, for this to work, I highly encourage you to be as empathetic and patient as possible. 

You may want to also consider using Dr. John Gottman’s principle of “shelving your agenda” to help.  

Shelving Your Agenda means that your side of the story, feelings, etc. are temporarily put on a “shelf” to give your girlfriend the time she needs to share with you what’s going on for her.

You want her to feel emotionally safe enough to open up to you about why she’s so afraid that you’re going to cheat on her.  Assuming she’s able to do this, I want you to listen to and hear what she’s saying. 

If she’s not able to open up, I want you to do your best to understand why. 

You could also ask her what you could do to help ease her fears of you cheating on her.  Perhaps it’s more contact during the day via text, an extra date night each week, more physical touch, etc.  What could help her feel more reassured and trusting in your relationship?  You may find this post helpful in generating some additional ideas.  

Once you have a sufficient understanding of her situation, that’s when you can take your experience “off the shelf” to share with her. 

First, start by calmly sharing your understanding of what she’s told you.  One way to do this is by repeating some of her main points and making sure that she agrees with your understanding. 

Then, it’s your turn.  Tell her about the impact that her behavior has on you, and I want you to include your emotions.  You may benefit from thinking more about how exactly what you’re feeling (i.e. hurt, betrayed, disrespected, fuming, seething, mistreated, etc.) before this conversation so that you can communicate it. 

Additionally, and If you haven’t already, I would encourage you to inform her that it’s not just your privacy that she’s invading with this behavior, but the privacy of the people with whom you’re communicating. 

Hopefully, if she understands the way her behavior is impacting you (and others), and if she cares about your feelings, her behavior will shift. 

As you can likely imagine, shelving our agendas can be a lifesaver when our relationships are in distress.  Often, partners try to “win” an argument by trying to get their partner to see their point and do what they think is right.  However, this often leads to hurt, pain, and shutdown, and emotional distance in the relationship.

It’s a much better approach to give our partner the time, space, and emotional safety they need, to share what’s going on with them, before we get our turn to share our reality of the situation. 

You also mentioned that she continues to disregard your boundaries.  Yes, this is the correct term that we therapists use.

A boundary is a rule or limit you set for yourself, within a relationship.  You have set a very reasonable, normal boundary by repeatedly asking her not to go through your phone.  While asking for a boundary to be respected is an essential step in boundary setting, we also want to consider that unfortunately, not everyone will respect our boundaries.

Thus, when a boundary is not respected, we must implement a natural consequence.    

A natural consequence is the outcome of the boundary not being respected.  For example:

• If your friend continues to speak about something that is upsetting you despite you having told them not to, a natural consequence may be that you no longer spend time with this friend.

• If your roommate continues to borrow your clothing without asking, so you put a lock on your door. 

• If your friend borrows your car but never fills up the gas tank, you no longer lend them your car.

If you do choose to have the conversation that I recommended above, and your girlfriend still continues to go through your phone, you’re going to have to decide what the natural consequence of this repeated violation is.

Ultimately, her behavior and your related feelings are likely to chip away at the trust that you both have in your relationship.  Trust is a necessity in simple healthy love.  If you can’t have a trusting relationship, then a breakup may be indicated.

I’m sending you strength to help you move forward.

Warmly,

Julia

P.S. Did you enjoy this blog?  Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life?  I post new answers to reader questions each Saturday at Noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.