How to Make Your Husband do More Housework

My husband criticizes me for wanting a clean house, and refuses to clean as much as I would like. How do I make him change?

Dear Julia,

I have been married for several years now and my husband and I have always fought about housework.  I believe that I’m doing more than he is.  He doesn’t agree, and he thinks that we don’t need the house to be as clean as I like to keep it.   He thinks that I’m complaining because I’m a neat freak, and that I’m being ridiculous.  This makes our fights so much worse.  He doesn’t seem to understand how much I enjoy a clean house.  What do I do?

Dear Reader,

While conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, it must be very stressful for you to be fighting so much, especially when it’s about the same issue, over and over.   

While it’s better to fight without a resolution than not fight at all, it’s best to be able to repair the conflict, since unresolved conflict and negativity in a relationship can chip away at your bond.   What I’m hearing from you is that despite the repeated fights, nothing is being solved. 

How are you feeling after the conflict?  Research has found that the feeling about the interaction is more important than the conflict itself ².  Since you mentioned your husband will criticize you by calling you a neat freak or ridiculous, I can imagine you feel awful afterward. 

When we are criticized, it’s an attack on our personality or character ² and must be very painful for you to receive.  It is not acceptable for him to be speaking to you like this.

Criticism (along with contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) is one of John Gottman’s four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which he details in his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How You Can Make Yours Last.

These four forms of negativity wreak havoc on a marriage, and Gottman Method Therapists use their presence in a relationship to predict the likelihood of divorce or a breakup.  If the criticism continues, or you notice any of the other Four Horsemen, I recommend you two consider couples counseling to help you move to a more positive place. 

Here Are Six Research-Backed Tips to Persuade Him to do More Housework:

1.  You can ask your partner for what you want in the form of a wish¹.  “I wish you understood how important it is for me to have a clean house”, “I wish you could put your dishes in the dishwasher”.  This is effective as it’s a positive ask rather than a negative one.  Try it and see how it works. 

2.  Acknowledge that you’re both right to an extent¹.  While you value a very clean house, he doesn’t, and there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with that.  Could you acknowledge this difference, and find a compromise that works for both of you? 

Perhaps you need the kitchen and bathrooms to be clean but could tolerate the bedroom and living room being a bit messy.  Perhaps he is willing to take out the garbage/recycling and clean the bathrooms and you’re in charge of the rest, meaning you can do it to your standard.  If you had to make a compromise rather than have your way, what could be acceptable to you?

3.  Reflect on why this issue is so important to you and communicate it to him.  For example, perhaps you grew up in a messy house as your parents were never home, and you were left alone in the mess.  Perhaps the mess you are so afraid of living in is a reminder of how lonely you felt while growing up. 

Could you reflect to help you understand your own experience of why this is so important to you, and then communicate it to him?  Ideally, we want our partners to understand our unhealed wounds so they can try to avoid triggering them¹.  He may have a more compassionate stance once he realizes why it’s so important to you.

4.  Even when we do not agree with our partner, it’s important to demonstrate that we understand their point of view.  This is especially true if we would like to persuade, negotiate, or compromise with our spouse². 

Have a conversation so you can understand his reasons for why having a house that is “clean enough” is good enough for him.  Is he too busy with work and wants more time to relax when he’s home?  Does he resent doing housework because he came from a controlling household where everything needed to be “just so”? 

Often, when we feel understood, the outcome of the conflict doesn’t matter as much anymore.  Try having a discussion that includes both of your reasons for your opposite desires to see if it helps you move forward.

5.  If you two are never able to settle on a standard that you both agree on, could you decide that this is one of those problems in a relationship that never gets solved?  At times, it’s easier and healthier to acknowledge that some problems that exist in a relationship will never be resolved, and to find a way to accept them, rather than continuing to experience never-ending conflict.   

6.  A wise friend of mine who is also a therapist recently told me that when she wants her fiancé to do something, she asks him once, and then drops it.  She will completely remove any sort of demands or pressure from him to do what she asked.  Most of the time, on his terms, her fiancé would later do what she asked. 

What could happen in your relationship if you stopped asking for your husband to clean the way that you like? 

I hope that gives you some idea of how to move forward.  I wish you the best in moving through this conflict.

Warmly,

Julia

P.S. Did you enjoy this blog?  Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life?  I post new answers to reader questions each Friday AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.

References:

1) Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2012). What makes love last?: How to build trust and avoid betrayal. Simon and Schuster.

2) Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (1995). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. Simon and Schuster.