Three Unique Steps To Meet Your Spouse
I’m dating constantly but can’t find the type of partner that I’m looking for. What am I doing wrong?
Dear Julia,
I’m 43 years old and still single. I really want to get married, I date all the time, but I can’t seem to find the type of partner that I’m looking for. I don’t think I’m asking for too much, I want someone kind, smart, loving, and ambitious. I’m not fussy about physical appearance or their career or anything like that, if they take care of themselves and care about their life – I’m happy.
I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I go on dates all the time. I have been on every single dating app, I go out with several guys a month, and I’m not having any luck. I do get frustrated of course, but I push myself to keep going.
What do I do? How do I find a partner?
Dear Dating,
I can only imagine how frustrated and likely exhausted you must be to be dating so much without any luck. Your efforts seem to be a true testament to your desire to find a partner.
It does seem strange, doesn’t it? That with all your efforts, you haven’t been successful.
I suspect that this means there is something subconscious at play.
Our subconscious mind can be thought of as a library of our experiences that we hold outside of our immediate awareness. The subconscious mind is always working and influences our behavior and life outcomes.
One way for us to tune into our subconscious mind is to notice our thoughts.
Therefore, your First Step to help you find a healthy relationship is:
Identify Negative Thoughts or Beliefs That Keep You From Finding A Partner
What types of thoughts are you having while you’re dating? This includes the thoughts you’re having while swiping through profiles on an online dating site, texting/calling with a prospective match, getting ready for the date, while you’re on the date, and when you’re deciding whether to see them again.
Are you having positive thoughts that have to do with enjoying the dating process, your belief that your ideal partner is looking for you too, and/or that you’re ready for love?
Or perhaps you have negative thoughts about being unworthy or not deserving enough to find a partner?
Maybe your negative thoughts are about the people you’re going on dates with not being good enough for you. Or perhaps you think about the next guy being the one, rather than truly considering the guy who is sitting across the dinner table from you.
Perhaps at the age of 43, you are very accustomed to your life as is, and you’re afraid of change. Perhaps there is a genuine part of you who wants to get married, but another equally important but subconscious part of you worries about how a partner would impact your life.
Might you have some negative beliefs about your ability to find a partner or BE a good partner? These thoughts could be preventing you from choosing someone or allowing yourself to be chosen.
Perhaps unconsciously, you don’t feel deserving of a partner, good enough to be a girlfriend/wife, or worthy enough.
You may have also taken on some beliefs around all the good men being taken, that you’re too old to get married, or that most people who are married are unhappy.
Once you start to notice your thoughts, are they positive or negative? Do they support you in finding a simple, healthy relationship or are they negative and sabotaging your chances?
Once you discover the subconscious beliefs that are holding you back, notice how they are getting in the way of you finding love.
For example, if you believe you’re not worthy of a great partner, you may find fault with men who do seem to meet your criteria, allowing you to reject them for fear that they will reject you.
If you don’t think that you’re deserving of a husband, you may feel insecure or anxious on your dates, making it difficult for men to see who you really are.
If you believe that all the good men are already taken, you may be less likely to try and get to know men who may initially not appear to be what you’re looking for, but have lots of great husband qualities.
If you believe that you’re too old to find a partner, you may decide not to say “hi” to the handsome guy at the grocery store/dog park/friend’s birthday party.
If you do have unconscious negative beliefs, you’re not wrong or bad. These negative beliefs may be based on childhood trauma and are being used to keep yourself safe or to maintain a self-concept that isn’t actually true, but which is comfortable and familiar.
If we are taught negative beliefs about ourselves in childhood (I’m a bad person, I’m unworthy, I’m not good enough, etc.) it likely came from a caregiver, teacher, or peers who were struggling in their own way and ended up projecting their negativity and pain onto us.
For example, if you had a caregiver who struggled with anger, and who often yelled at the slightest provocation, we may have learned as a child that we are a bad person, as we believe that our parent’s anger is our fault.
However, it is the parents’ inability to self-soothe and process their own emotions which is the problem. Unfortunately, our little kid brains won’t know that. Instead, we learn to blame ourselves, and that blame can turn into a negative belief.
Thus, negative beliefs aren’t an actual representation of who we really are. It’s all based on trauma that we survived.
Now, I don’t mean to say that we take this trauma lightly. It still needs to be processed and resolved. While this is a long, difficult process for most, it’s worth the work.
But for now, if you did uncover negative beliefs that keep you from getting into a relationship, I want you to focus on one thing:
Our negative beliefs are often false.
Therefore, your Second Step to help you find a healthy relationship is:
Asking Yourself If Your Negative Thoughts or Beliefs Are A Fact or an Opinion
That’s your starting point, whether or not you decide to pursue therapy to help you work through any trauma or negative experiences that lead to these beliefs.
I want you to get better at noticing when your negative beliefs come up, and when they do, I want you to ask yourself if they are a Fact or an Opinion.
Fact or Opinions is a simple Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) technique that you can easily do as you go about your day.
Let’s use it with a few of the examples I provided above. Is it a Fact or an Opinion that all the good men are taken, that you’re too old to get married, or that most married couples are unhappy?
They are all opinions.
These three common opinions that people often hold around relationships are not facts. While these opinions may be true for some (i.e. yes, some married couples are unhappy) it doesn’t mean it’s true for everyone, and it certainly doesn’t have to be true for you.
So, as you are swiping on dating apps, out for coffee dates, or exploring different profiles on dating sites, I want you to practice noticing the thoughts that you’re having, and then I want you to decide if they are a fact or an opinion.
If you are noticing that you have a lot of negative, unhelpful, opinions I want you to think about what you can believe instead. I want you to choose beliefs that will help you find your partner, as your Third Step.
Some examples of positive beliefs could be:
I’m worthy of a loving partner
I’m capable of and welcome intimacy, connection, and love
I’m deserving of a healthy relationship
My husband (partner, wife, etc.) is looking for me too
I’m a warm, loving girlfriend (boyfriend, spouse, etc.)
Once you stop getting in your own way by allowing your negative beliefs to dictate your behaviors, I suspect that you’re dating life will be quite different, in a good way. I’m curious to know how this goes for you and would welcome you to leave me some feedback here.
Also, some related readings that you may be interested in are:
I wish you the best with your new way of thinking about yourself, dating, and relationships!
Warmly,
Julia
P.S. Did you enjoy this blog? Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life? I post new answers to reader questions every Saturday at noon (EST) AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.