When Do I Have Sex With My New Boyfriend?

My new partner told me he doesn’t want to date me anymore if I won’t have sex with him. What do I do?

Dear Julia,

I have been dating a new guy for a few weeks now.  We have so much fun together!  We laugh a lot and I really enjoy his company.  I have started to really like him.  We have talked a bit about being in a relationship, but not too much, and nothing has been made official. 

The other night after dinner, he asked if he could stay over.  I don’t think I’m feeling ready to spend a night with him yet, so I said no.  The next day, he told me he wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue dating me if I’m not ready to have sex with him.  I’m crushed.  We have been having so much fun and I like him so much.  What should I do?

Dear Crushed,

Good for you for saying no to his request for a sleepover when you weren’t ready yet!  What a fabulous boundary and act of self-love.  

But what a disappointing situation this must be for you otherwise.  How do you feel about what he said?  I imagine that you may be angry, hurt, betrayed confused, and/or disappointed.  Or perhaps something else?

If he’s willing to end your relationship so easily, and you like him and aren’t ready for physical intimacy yet, it could be that the two of you may want a different type of relationship. 

What are you looking for? Do you want a relationship, either with him or someone else?  Think about this, from the perspective of what you want and need - and be honest with yourself. 

I would also encourage you to consider what you would need from your partner to be ready for physical intimacy.  Is it a commitment of some sort?  An agreement that you two are dating exclusively? Sexual monogamy? 

Do you need to have a felt sense of their care, protection, and/or affection for you? How would you need to feel when you’re with them?  Perhaps safe, understood, loved, and/or supported?

Reflect on what you need to feel comfortable being physically intimate with someone.   Then the next time that you’re approaching physical intimacy with a new partner, you can reflect on your must-haves to help you understand if you (and the relationship!) are truly ready.

If you are interested in trying to work through this with him, which may or may not be possible, you could share your reflections and see how he responds. 

This could look like:

“I hear that you want to end our relationship because we haven’t started having sex yet.  This was hurtful for me to hear.  I feel disposable and like you don’t care about me, my needs or boundaries. 

For me, sex is something that comes after two people have established a commitment and attachment to each other.  I need to feel safe and secure in a relationship prior to having sex.  I don’t feel that we are at this place yet, but if you are open to us continuing to get to know each other, maybe we could get there.  What do you think about that?”

Of course, that is just an example, you would want to script that to include what is true for you.   You may also want to break up with him based on what he said.  And that could be quite justified too.  

If you do want to try and talk through this, try to assess if he can give you what you want and need.  He may not be able or willing to, and that may hurt. 

However, if you want to have a simple, healthy relationship, then you can’t date (or sleep with) a person who can’t give you what you want and need.  And please don’t use the pain of the breakup as a reason to stay in the wrong relationship. 

Now let’s talk about the speed of his request for physical intimacy. 

We live in a hook-up culture, where people have sex with others they have just met and believe that it’s normal. 

Let’s think about this critically for a moment.  We have normalized the idea that we are to do one of the most vulnerable things that humans do, with a person who we have only known for a very short time.  

This does not make sense. 

Especially since research has found that sex is for bonding.  In fact, we can only connect as much sexually as we have emotionally.  Sure, people may report that they have had satisfying sex outside of a loving committed relationship, and that may be true. 

However, over time, sex without an emotional connection gets boring.  This is because humans are meant to use sex as a way to feel more connected to and bonded with our partner. 

Now, let’s compare the intended use of sex, versus how we are expected to experience sex today.

If we have only been out with someone for a few weeks, or maybe even only a few hours, and we do not yet have an emotional connection with them. 

We have no idea what their personality is like, what their red flags are, how they treat others, and what you two are like together. 

We certainly don’t know how they may show up as our partner, how they could support us emotionally when we are struggling, and how they react to conflict.  We won’t even know if they are a safe person or not.  

Not to mention that when we have sex, we put ourselves at risk of disease, pregnancy, and compromised safety, both physically and emotionally. 

Still, some people may choose to have casual sex, and that’s a perfectly fine choice, as long as they are acting safely and ethically and not compromising themself or their partner in the process.  

So, when could it be an appropriate time to have sex in a new relationship?  

When you feel emotionally bonded to your partner and have determined that they can give you what you want and need.  This may mean (among other things) when you feel safe, trusting, connected, understood, and cared for in your relationship. 

I wish you all the best in how you decide to handle this situation.

Warmly,

Julia

P.S. Did you enjoy this blog?  Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life?  I post new answers to reader questions each Saturday at Noon EST and have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE.