Why Didn’t He Ask For A Second Date?

I went on a great date, and he keeps texting me but hasn’t asked me out again. What should I do?

Dear Julia,

I went on an amazing date with the most attentive guy.  He listened well, ordered a bottle of bubbles for the table because that’s what I was drinking, ordered our food (after he asked me if that was okay) and he opened up about himself.  I felt very cared for and deeply enjoyed myself.  After the date, he texted me to say he wished he had kissed me.  I replied that I wished he had, too, but we could save it for next time. 

Fast forward a week and a half.  He’s texted a couple of times but hasn’t asked me out again.  He will message with a photo or for a quick little conversation but that’s it.  I know I could just ask him, but I made it so obvious that I wanted to go out again, that it feels like overkill if I straight up ask him on a date.

What should I do?  Should I keep hoping he will ask, or should I let this go?

Dear Reader,

I’m so sorry this happened.  The date you enjoyed with this man seemed quite promising.  It’s very easy to get excited about a prospective partner after a date like what you described. 

Before I answer your question, I would like to point out some of your strengths.  You did a beautiful job of receiving his attention and must have done an even better job of listening if he opened up about himself.  It also sounds like you were relaxed on the date and looked forward to spending time with him again. 

What you displayed are secure attachment skills.  When a person displays the traits that are associated with secure attachment (i.e. expressing our needs, attending to the needs of our partner, opening up to safe people and allowing them to respond to our vulnerability, protecting each other from harm, respecting each other’s privacy, etc.) you are more likely to attract a fellow secure mate. 

It's important to do our best to attract a partner with secure attachment as it makes our life easier.  Our emotional and physical health are both at their best when we are partnered with someone secure, rather than someone who falls into the insecure range of anxious, disorganized, or avoidant attachment styles. 

Having a partner with secure attachment means that we feel safer both in our relationship and in the world.  We also feel better about ourselves when we are paired with a secure partner because we have the support and love that we all deserve. 

You asked me what to do after he hasn’t asked you out again, a week and a half later.  Let’s also look at his behaviour through the lens of attachment theory.  While I can only speculate and only have the information that you provided, we may be able to make a decent educated guess. 

One sign that sticks out to me, is that he “really opened up about himself”, prior to subsequently breadcrumbing you for a week and a half. This detail could be consistent with an avoidant attachment style since getting close can trigger an avoidant to distance after.  As you can imagine, this can lead to a considerable amount of stress for the non-avoidant partner. 

This behavior also sounds like a mixed signal, and mixed signals are also typical of people with avoidant attachment.  A great date full of connection and emotional intimacy that leads to limited contact and no sign of them wanting to see you again is a red-hot mixed signal. 

Is there anything he told or did you during the date that could also be aligned with an avoidant attachment style?  This could be, but isn’t limited to: playing games, devaluing past partners, or displaying ridged or romanticized views of relationships?

As you can imagine, these traits make it very hard to feel loved, safe, and secure in an intimate partnership. 

Conversely, people with secure attachments are reliable and consistent.  They are booking the next date.  They want to see you again.  They are not afraid of commitment or dependency and want to create closeness.    

So, to answer your question, it would be completely reasonable to let this go.  Human beings want to be wanted by the person that they want.  If you’re not feeling wanted, then go back out there and find a securely attached partner who does make you feel this way. 

If you do want to let this go, kindly tell him that while you had a great time with him, you’re not interested anymore, and wish him well.  If he asks why, you can tell him that you’re looking for someone who is more consistent and looking to build a relationship, or something similar.  Don’t forget that clear communication is a secure attachment skill!  

Alternatively, if you choose to keep texting, he may eventually ask you for a date, and if that happens you can decide if you say yes or no.  Keep in mind that his inconsistency could be a permanent trait, and even if you do eventually go on a second date, you’re likely to end up in the same place that you are now. 

I wish you luck in deciding what to do and encourage you to continue to practice your secure attachment skills.

Warmly,

Julia

P.S. Did you enjoy this blog?  Would you like to have more Simple, Healthy Love in your life?  I post new answers to reader questions every Saturday at noon EST AND have a list of all the books I recommend as a trauma therapist and relationship blogger HERE. 

Please note that reader questions may be edited for length or clarity.